Sometimes it is the little things

Posting today to remind myself of a couple of phrases I have heard lately that resonate:

1. From my darling preacher, Dr. Glenn Doak, who said something to this affect, "Remember where you are, God put you there for a reason."

2. From Momastery,  "I just read this quote from Robert Frost… 'In three words I can sum up everything I know about life: it goes on.'”

Contentment

So yesterday I had a job interview. I was stressed about it all morning and even more stressed afterward. It is undoubtably a more challenging position with more prestige and more money. It is all the things I thought I wanted, but now I am not sure.  It is also full of things I do not want: less freedom for me to tend to my kids, a new work family (I love my current one!), formal clothes and attitudes.  Will it fit who I am?

This job interview is causing me to question everything I thought I wanted professionally. I haven't been offered the job, but do I want the offer? Is a real career as an administrator -instead of a glorified secretary- something I really want? I have prayed and prayed and I still don't know. I have asked God to show me the right answer for I feel I cannot trust myself unless his signs guide me on a clear path.

The truth is, at the heart of it all, I am a seven year old girl from a broken home. I crave security and love.  I want to feel safe and protected.  This potential job will not hold any of these things for me initially. In the long run, it could; but, I don't know that I am strong enough to take that path.  I personally feel that I should be more of a risk taker, but why do I feel that way? Isn't it okay to be content where you are? Or should you look fear straight in the eye and tell it to get to steppin'? I don't know.  And therein lies my inner struggle. To be brave or to be secure, that is the question.  If you know the answer, feel free to share.

-God, I am so lost. I need guidance in a major way. Have I been looking in the wrong direction for who I am? Am I really where I should be? Please help me. Amen.

Ten Commandments

This week in Sunday School, we spoke of the 10 Commandments, what they are and how we teach them to our children. Well, maybe that isn't what we really spoke about, but it was the message I got personally.  Unrelated, today as I was having a down moment, I decided to look around on the World Wide Web. Surely there is something in the WORLD that can cheer me up.

I decided to look around on one of my favorite blogs, Momastery and I was led eventually to the Happiness Project. This project was introduced to me a couple of years ago by my friend TJ, whose amazing blog The Gladdest Thing Under the Sun is listed here on the left.  Low and behold, I came face to face with Commandments again, but those of Gretchen Rubin, not Jesus the Christ.  Although they are not divinely inspired words of God, I found her commandments to be the little bit of sunshine I need right now.  How did she know back when she posted these ideas in 2008 that I would need them in 2012? The girl may be smart and psychic.

Maybe I should come up with my own Commandments and when I feel lost, turn to them.  TJ did it, and she is one of the happiest people I know.  So here they are in no particular order as of today (4/23). My plan is to come back and alter these puppies and hone them down to perfection over the coming weeks/years/decades.

1. Breathe.
2. Accept what cannot be changed.
3. Remember the big picture.
4. Be in the moment.
5. Sing and dance. Always.
6. Recognize my patterns.
7. Act the way I want to feel, not the way I feel.
8. Take time for myself.
9. Live how I want to be remembered for living.
10. LOVE.
11. Be aware of the Love Language of my family members and show them the love in ways they understand.

Who I am

I love the story below about Christine Eberhart.  So many times I have to remind myself that my self worth is not based on the job that I have-I am much more than that. I am not defined by my occupation, I am defined by how I live and how I treat others. That is what makes me who I am.

Clearing the decks: Parking services monitor wins Chancellor’s Award
By Sara Freeland | March 26, 2012

Service with a smile is something Christine Eberhart takes to heart.

A senior parking services monitor at the Tate Student Center parking deck, Eberhart was named the 2011 recipient of a Chancellor’s Customer Service Award from the University System of Georgia for her sustained superior performance and exemplary customer service. She accepted the award at a ceremony in Atlanta in November.    

The nomination noted her infectious smile, courteous nature and ability to call many deck customers by name. She also received a Customer Service Award from Finance and Administration at the division’s recognition event last May.

She’s worked in the Hull Street, Performing Arts Center and Tate Student Center parking decks for the past seven years and before then spent 14 years working as a housekeeper for University Housing.

Anthony Brown, a supervisor at the Tate Student Center Parking Deck, said Eberhart is a very uplifting person.

“If you’re in a bad mood, she’s going to lift your spirits,” he said. “She is always smiling—no matter what the situation is. She’s always positive, upbeat—and that’s very refreshing to have first thing in the morning.”

Her secret?

“I love what I do. I just love people,” Eberhart said.

Through working at the deck’s pay booth, she’s met people from all over the world and even had a customer bring her back a good luck bracelet from India. Students who have graduated have come back to give her flowers.

Eberhart said that one of the perks of her job is meeting the occasional celebrity or university notable. When she worked at the Performing Arts Center Deck she met actress Cloris Leachman and got her autograph. She’s also met Gov. Nathan Deal, Congressman John Lewis, Mary Frances Early and a number of current and former student-athletes. She’s met Vince Dooley and says that Mark Richt is always very nice when he comes through.

Not all customers are as friendly as UGA’s head football coach. Some deck patrons aren’t aware they have to pay to park.

But Eberhart believes in the golden rule.

“I want to treat people the way that I want to be treated,” she said. “That does not make me mistreat you. I do not want to do that.”

She even admits to liking the challenging people who come through the deck to see if they’ll change or if she can diffuse the situation.

 “The first instinct of a  lot of people who get cursed out is to curse back. Don’t curse back,” she said. “Being ugly doesn’t help.”

 Eberhart follows the advice of her late husband, who passed away in January. He would always tell her to think before she spoke.

“And if you do that, a lot of time you make the best choice,” she said. “I’m not saying I do it all the time—you have to think sometimes, be quiet a minute and then just let it blow over.”

One of the activities Eberhart enjoys when she is not working is singing with her church’s praise team, Anointed Voices of Praise. In addition to performing at her church, the group also gives performances at other area churches.

But for Eberhart, singing isn’t exclusive to church and practice.

“I sing when I’m going through the deck a lot of times. I used to love to sing in the Hull Street Deck. I’d go out to the top level and sing before the customers came in,” she said.

Lent is over, Lentspiration can live on

I am not promising to be a devout blogger 365 days a year, but what I am going to do is post when I find a moving story. Those that inspire me to rejoice & live in the moment.  Those that remind me that there is good in the world. Those that move me. Those that make me say, "Thank you, Lord Jesus. Amen!"  Those like the one below.

From Yahoo news:

6-year-old’s lemonade stand raises $10,000 for Dad’s cancer treatment

By Eric Pfeiffer |


Three months ago, Randy Cox was diagnosed with seminoma, a rare form of cancer. That's when his 6-year-old Drew decided to use his lemonade stand to help raise money for his father's medical bills.

"He is so important to me, we love to play with each other," Cox told Texas TV station KLTV. "Lots of times we like to play games."

At first, Drew's lemonade stand was a small operation. After all, how much can one small child really hope to raise toward paying for an expensive series of chemotherapy treatments? It was the thought that counted but not one that was likely to make a serious dent in Cox's mounting medical bills.

But after word got out about Drew's heartfelt effort, the fundraising cause turned into a "block party," on Saturday morning with cars lining up around the block to contribute to the effort.

By the end of the day, Drew has raised more than $10,000 with the help of his Texas neighborhood community.

And the fundraising effort has now spread beyond Drew's lemonade stand.

One of Randy's childhood friends has also set up a GiveForward account to help raise money for his cause. Tameka Loyd Royal has set a fundraising goal of $5,000, with $3,790 having already been donated toward the cause.

On the donation page, Royal writes: "Doctors gave an excellent prognosis and thinks he only needs 4 cycles of chemotherapy using 2 medications. He goes 6 hours a day for a week and then off for two weeks before the next cycle begins."

"Randy is a loving husband to Tonya Cooley Cox and has three adorable little boys Drew (6), Jake (4) and Micah (7 months). This is a family that has cast their worries upon God and has many prayer warriors."

"As a grade school classmate of Randy's and dance class friend of Tonya's, my heart went out to them when I saw Randy's post on Facebook about his diagnosis and wanted to get them as much financial and spiritual support as possible."

The GiveForward fundraiser is scheduled to end June 1.

If you want to make a direct donation to the Cox family, Royal writes that you can send a personal check to: Randy or Tonya Cox to: 330 Walnut St.; Gladewater, TX 75647, and specify that your donation is to help pay the bills connected to his cancer treatment.

"From a small child, you know that love can come from a small child, and just blossom into something so amazing," Robin McDaniel, one of the contributors to the fun, told KLTV.

It is finished

Easter was yesterday and Lent is officially over.  Now it is time to reflect on my Lentspiration journey and assess its effectiveness.

I can honestly say that throughout this Lenten season, I have been more appreciative of the things I have in life, and I have not focused on the things I do not have.  I have been able to talk to my husband about disconcerting subjects and tried to point us towards the bright side of things. I have come to ask, "Will this matter a year from now?," and let things go when the answer is no.  I have had a happier disposition overall.  My level of anxiety has been down- again, overall, not always in heightened situations.

Will I do this again next year?  I will think on it. I think the payoff of Lentspiration has been huge for me. But, I think the time commitment of a blog is something I didn't anticipate.  Although I am not writing a novella every day, reading + blogging did become annoying to me as far as time constraints go, especially on weekends when I was trying to appreciate time with my family. Maybe it was the devil (I was raised Baptist, you know I know about the devil.) making me resentful.   The good part is that it did make me sit back and focus, which is just what I needed.  My husband often says, "The easy way is generally the wrong way."  I didn't find this easy, maybe that is my sign that it was right.

-God. Thank you so much for this time of reflection. I pray that I am able to reflect on my own without having to type out the words.  I ask that you please help me to carry this new positive disposition into the coming year and help it to make me a better wife, mother, person, and follower of Christ. Amen.

Day 40- The Art of Love

Today I am not going to talk about TLL or DSTSS. They have served me well the last 40 days and I will reflect on how this blog has changed me tomorrow. As for today, I want to look at the purity of love.

I just read a blog entry that inspired me to stray from the books. It is from a Yoga Journal blog - HA! Yoga, just like I discussed yesterday regarding inner peace. I am going to cut and paste the entire entry in case the link becomes broken:

By Jessica Berger Gross

As a girl, I didn’t feel beautiful. I felt chubby, unloveable, and unsure of myself. Home was not an altogether safe or supportive environment. It wasn’t until I found a connection to my body beyond the surface that something clicked for me.

I was 15 and saluting the sun during morning warm-ups at a life-saving summer theater school. Then, a few years later, I was 20 and spending my junior year abroad trekking the mountains in Nepal, taking yoga classes in Kathmandu. Back home, at 26, after more years of too much drinking, smoking, and personal turmoil, I found my way to a yoga center in New York City.

There I felt beautiful.

Still, that feeling—that beauty that comes from the inside out; that my body is beautiful because of what it can do not just how it looks—is something I can feel in my daily life, but a feeling that I can easily lose, too.

Lucky for me, I’m a mother.

Children think their mothers are gorgeous. They see us as we truly are with no concern for modern beauty standards of stilettos and extensions.

Yesterday we were driving in the car when Lucien insisted I open the mirror of the driver’s sun visor.

“Why?” I asked distractedly.

“Because I want you to see how beautiful you are.”

Wow. There’s nothing like a child’s love.

Except maybe a mother’s, or father’s, love.

This is the sort of beauty that I seek. The kind that comes from the inside out. A glow. A connection to something deeper. The sort of beauty Lucien sees in me, whether I’m in sweatpants or my best little black dress.

This is beautiful. I love the description of blind love. This is the love God has for us. I don't remember if I have mentioned this before in this blog, but after I had my first child I told my mother that I know why God allows us to have children. I said that it is the only way we can truly understand unconditional love and how he feels about us. Of course, being the Southern Baptist that she is she scoffed at me and told me how wrong I was- we are here to worship him, duh. She made me doubt my newfound revelation, but the past 5 1/2 years of being a parent has led me to believe that I am right.

Innocent, pure love. The kind a child has for his mother. The kind a mother has for her child. The kind Mary had for Jesus. The kind God has for us.

As we approach Easter, I cannot think of a more appropriate message. We all know the verse, John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son..." How strong and powerful that love is. How grateful I am to be able to experience it with my own children. The blessing of love is the best gift we have been given.

-God, Thank you for allowing me to feel pure love. Thank you for showing me how much you gave for our salvation by way of your son, Jesus. May we be eternally grateful for the sacrifice. Amen.

Day 39- Be Bored

Today, DSTSS recommends that you take time to be bored. What starts as boredom will eventually give you feelings of peace. My favorite quote from this chapter is, "People are no longer human beings. We should be called human doings."

Relating this back to religion, I think of monks meditating and the practice of yoga. Both require being still and in the moment and can leave you feeling peaceful.

1 Timothy 4:16′s Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them; that thy profiting may appear to all.

Psalm 1:1-2: Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

I personally think that although boredom isn't synonymous with mediation, we can make a conscious effort to be bored - like Carlson says- and find inner peace once we adjust to doing nothing. This peace can become meditation. Cleanse the mind. Fill it with space and nothingness. Help us to find contentment in the moment. Focus on our breathing. Hear the sound of an exhale and realize how temple-like our body truly is. Be thankful for it. It is God's creation and our gift. Thanks be to God.

Amen.

-I pray that I can begin to make a conscious effort to be bored. That during my boredom I may find inner peace. Amen.

Day 38-Life Isn't Fair

Carlson says you must surrender to the fact that life isn't fair.

What a perfect sentiment as we approach Good Friday and the Passion. One can easily say that life was not fair for Jesus, the only one of us who never sinned. Thank God for the afterlife and the promise of Heaven, otherwise the story of Jesus would be too much to bear- it almost is even with the knowledge of the hereafter.

Just because we know life isn't fair doesn't mean we quit seeking to find fairness in it. It also doesn't mean that it is okay to live being unfair to others. It means that for those things we cannot control, we need to be able to let go. Bad things do happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. What we have the power to control is how we react when life isn't fair. It is the attitude we take that makes all the difference.

--I pray, God, when life isn't fair that I handle it in a positive way. That I always remember to be thankful for life and the happiness it can bring. That even when bad things happen to good people, Heaven will not hold these evils in the afterlife. Amen.

Day 38- Will it be important a year from now

DSTSS suggests that when you are getting all worked up over something to take a step back and ask yourself if this will matter a year from now. If not, relax.

I remember the fist time that I read this book, I really liked this suggestion. Will it matter a year from now if someone cut me off today? Nah. Then why not let it go?

As I was writing this post, I hit a sort of writer's block. I thought, okay, what else needs to be said about this? I decided to Google Richard Carlson and find out a little bit about him. I am ashamed to say that I didn't realize that, like Pausch, he is deceased. Whereas Pausch new he was dying of cancer and had months to prepare and say his goodbyes, Carlson suffered a pulmonary embolism on a flight and died without warning. Pausch left behind a wife and three children while Carlson left behind a wife and two daughters.

I have to wonder, did Carlson practice what he preached? I truly hope so. I hope that his last days in life were those of appreciation for the things he had going for him: a successful career, NYTimes Bestsellers, but mostly a family who loved him.

Carlson's wife, Kris, went on to publish "An Hour to Live, An Hour to Love," an extended love letter by her deceased husband. This book focuses on what you would do if you only had an hour to live. What would you do? What would you say to the people you love? The book "shows the importance of treasuring each day as the incredible gift it is." I guarantee you that if Kris and Richard got to live his last day over again-December 13, 2006-they would not worry about things that would not be important a year from then.

I need to begin to focus on things that matter. The things that matter. The things that matter. I hope that in addition to pushing aside "small stuff," Richard Carlson also knew God. I hope he was a believer. That isn't small & it does matter a year from now.

-God, help me to focus on the things that really matter: love, salvation, worship, faith. Help me to push the unimportant things to the side where they belong. Help me to concentrate on things that will be important a year from now, things that will continue to build up my family and yours. Amen.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

Kris Carlson

Addendum: I found this out while obsessing over this newfound information. I am so happy that Carlson did this. From Publisher's Weekly via Amazon:

On their 18th wedding anniversary, in 2003, Richard Carlson (author of the bestselling Don't Sweat the Small Stuff) presented his wife, Kristine, with a short manuscript called An Hour to Live. He imagines he has an hour to live and poses questions originally asked by spiritual guide and author Stephen Levine: whom would you call? what would you say? and why are you waiting? Uncannily, the text foreshadowed Carlson's death three years later, at age 45, of a pulmonary embolism. Though he had no chance to make that last phone call, his wife (and the reader) already knows his feelings for her and their children. We also know what was important to him, which boils down to the old chestnut: no one, on their deathbed, ever wishes they'd spent more time at the office.

Day 37-Look for the best in everybody

"If you wait long enough, people will surprise and impress you....But in the end, people will show you their good side. Almost everybody has a good side. Just keep waiting. It will come out."

- Jon Snoddy as quoted by Pausch

Someone once told met that no one thinks they are a bad person. That has stuck with me for years. If no one thinks they are a bad person, then they must see some good in themselves. I should try to look for that good too.

Jesus looked for the good in people: prostitutes, sinners, tax collectors, drunks. He is about forgiveness and waiting for people to see the light. As a believer, I need to follow suit.

--God, please help me to wait for the good in people. Help me not make snap judgements about people or discount them. Amen.

Day 36- Practice Being Patient

As my mom would say, "I'll be John Brown." DSTSS was about patience on Day 31 and then I revisited it on Day 33. On Day 31 I was critical of Carlson telling me to be patient without guiding me on how to do that. Well, shut my mouth. Today's chapter from his book -the next one I might add- is how to practice being patient. He did give me some tips after all!!! Had I only been patient...

Carlson says that to practice being patient, you have to pick a small amount of time and say, I am going to be patient for the next five minutes. (Recall: Baby Steps) He said once you put your focus on doing that for five minutes, when things come up you are conscious enough to tell yourself to calm down. The theory is that you can do this for 5 minutes, then 10, then eventually you have taught yourself to take a chill pill. I don't know why I didn't put this idea together on my own.

Carlson asserts that if you are patient, it tends to be contagious with those around you. I relate this to having a heated discussion with my husband: if we both keep our voices calm and do not escalate to yelling, the whole conversation can be played out without someone storming off. So by that same sentiment, if I stay patient with my husband, coworkers, kids, and friends they will learn to be patient with me.

I'm taking that lesson today and running with it. Five minutes. Go.

--God, Thank you for this "trick" that I can use. I pray that it helps me to become more patient in general. Please be with those around me who tolerate me when I am not patient. Amen.

Day 35-Start by sitting together

Pausch says that by sitting together and working collectively creates synergy. When dealing with groups of strangers we should:

1. Meet people properly.

2. Find things you have in common.

3. Try for optimal meeting conditions.

4. Let everyone talk.

5. Check egos at the door.

6. Praise each other.

7. Phrase alternatives as questions.

The first group I think of is Jesus' disciples: Peter, John, James, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, James,

Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot, & Judas Iscariot (and Matthias after him). How many personalities there must have been there. We know that many of these men were fishermen, but at least one- Matthew- was a tax collector. What was it about these men that made them Jesus' choice?

When I think of the disciples, the first thing I think of is the Last Supper. The Last Supper is Jesus' final farewell to his men: he washes their feet, prophesies his betrayal, predicts Peter's denial, shares his final meal as the first communion takes place, & he calls for his disciples to follow his teachings. Even Jesus didn't spread his message alone, so why do we think we need to be independent? Also, it is important to note that Jesus had them all sit together one last time.

For Lent, our church as sent us some instructions of things to do with our child before bedtime. As a unit, we sit down and list our best and worst moments of the day. Then we take turns blessing each other by kissing our index finger and then making the sign of the cross on one another's foreheads while saying, "God loves you. Jesus loves you. And I love you." We then open up a devotional and say/sing a prayer together. This has become my favorite part of the day. Sitting as a group. Learning from and about each other.

Today I swabbed my cheek to become a potential donor for bone marrow. In our community, there is a 6th grader in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant. Her school and the entire community has rallied around her. They have gone so far as to have a 24 hour Marrow-thon drive. These donors will go into a database that could potentially help this little girl. Additionally, your sample could be used to help someone else who needs the gift of life. This drive has the potential to keep giving for years to come. Synergy.

Mike Krzyzewski once said, "A basketball team is like the five fingers on your hand: if you can get them all together you have a fist." Let's make a fist.

-God, Thank you for the ideas, joy, and effectiveness that groups of people can cause. I pray that I always appreciate my fellow man and keep in mind that they have something to offer. Amen.

Day 34- Don't Obsess About What Other People Think

The title says it all. Pausch made a promise to his students and colleagues that he would always tell them what he was thinking as to not leave them guessing. He thought it might help them to not worry so much.

I wonder if Jesus ever worried about what other people thought. I know we should probably think the answer to that is "no" because he had a mission from God and that was all that was important. But maybe he did care. The other week in Sunday School we discussed the meaning of Jesus saying "My God, why have though forsaken me?," on the cross. One idea was that it was showing the last part of the human side of Jesus. So, if I am to think of Jesus as human, then surely he cared what people thought of him. Assuming that this is so, I wonder if it was hard for him to stay focused in the face of doubt and danger.

I was just sitting her trying to think of how it feels to state your faith in front of a bunch of non-believers and hearing the outcry of opposition. Immediately I think of gameday in Athens when evangelistic types stand on the corner of campus and preach/yell/scream their message to the "heathens" drinking around them. I also think of being a Christian within politics today. If you say you are a Christian, you are immediately associated as being a crazy pro-lifer.

To some extent, I want to obsess about what others think of me. I want to live my life to the degree where they might look at me and say, "Hey, Christians aren't scary. They are nice people. They are good people. Maybe I can let this person get close to me." And hopefully through that closeness they might find God. Just something to think about...

--Dear God, I pray that I want to know what people think of me for the right reasons, and not the superficial ones. I hope that I can lead the kind of life that makes you proud and that will aspire others to get to know you. Amen.

Day 33- Reflections on Patience

I'm going to try not to cry while typing. I keep thinking of Day 31's Lentspiration on patience. Sometimes, it isn't the patience of the moment that is needed as much as patience for the long haul.

Today my heart hurts.

In 2000, I got my first dog. Her name was Laney and she was a chocolate lab. At the time, I had a fiance and we were living together. We got married soon after and then divorced soon after that. Me and my current husband dated and then had a devastating break-up. After realizing we couldn't live without one another, we got back together. Two babies later, our family is complete. Well, kind of.

It was on our wedding anniversary in 2010 that our four-legged baby, Laney died. We had to put her to sleep. Laney had been with me through all of the trials I previously listed. She was my constant. My one thing. My child. My support system. There were some days when I lived alone that no one would know if I ever came home or not, but she did. She always loved me and stayed by my side. When I was pregnant with my first child and up sick at night, she would sit by the bed alert and only go to sleep when I woke up for the next day. She was the dog of my life, and will always be a part of my heart.

Now, two years later, Laney is our second child's namesake. I still think about her almost every day. We made the mistake of getting a second dog a couple of weeks after she passed. We weren't ready, and shortly after I found out I was pregnant. Then, we didn't have the time to devote to our new dog. We gave her away. It broke my heart.

The thing about giving away a dog is the fact that I know what I gave up. I gave up someone that could be a confidant, a partner, and most of all a best friend. And I miss that. I miss that unconditional love that only a pup can bring.

Sadly, I know the time is not right for us to have another four-legged baby. I know that in time, it will be right. Maybe when our two-legged Laney is four or so, but for now I have to exercise patience. This is extremely hard when I see reminders of her every day. Today I was walking in to work when a student had a working-dog in training outside. A black lad puppy with sad eyes. Eyes that said, "love me." And that is all I wanted to do, was to love it.

My heart continues to cry. And I continue to want another constant. Animals have been the only living beings to never let me down. I have two cats, but a dog is something else. A dog like Laney is not a dog. She is love. And I pray that I have the patience to not rush into getting another baby. But it's hard. Dear God, it is hard.

--God, Please help heal my heart from the pain I feel repeatedly regarding the loss of Laney. I ask that you help me to enjoy the time I have with my kids now and to not long for something I am not yet ready to have. Please help me to be content and quit torturing myself with petfinder websites. I pray that you heal this open sore and replace my wound with a scar. Amen.

For you, Laney girl.

Here Today- Paul McCartney

Day 32- Treat the Disease, Not the Symptom

TLL has Pausch discussing his friend who was in debt, but took yoga classes every Tuesday to help relieve stress. All the while, she continued to worry about her debt. He ran the numbers and realized that is she took a part time job and worked every Tuesday night instead of going to yoga, she could pay off the thousands of dollars she owed in four to five months. The friend took his suggestion and was then able to go to yoga and truly breathe easier.

This is a really good life lesson. I find that often in marriage we fight over little things that are not really the problem. The small stuff is just symptoms of a bigger disease. My husband and I wen to see my therapist one time and within a few minutes, she told us that we were really bickering simply because we missed each other. It was the truth. Sure enough, we set up a weekly date night and then we started getting along much better.

There are so many times in life that we can put this idea into practice. In the past, I have mostly used it in my marriage. It works well for my husband and I to sit back and acknowledge why we are really fighting, truly it isn't about corn instead of greens for supper. I have also used in when dealing with my mother. I think now I am going to try something different. I am going to try to use this idea at work. If I can figure out the true reason for my discontentment, then I should be able to overlook the little things that irritate me.

--I pray that I can learn to treat the real disease that eats at me inside, and not get caught up in the symptoms. Please give my mind clarity. Amen.

Day 31- Patience

DSTSS tells me to practice patience. Patience, like that is easily done. The chapter goes on to explain how much more relaxed I could be if I would simply learn to be more laid back and not in such of a rush. This is clearly something I do not need to be told, but something I cannot seem to do.

It is quite funny that this subject comes up because just the other day my husband was telling me how impatient I am, and that our oldest child is just like me. I have created a monster. Nixon and I have sat in a drive-thru before, ordered food, and pulled off because we both thought it was taking too long. "Mommy, go, they are taking too long." "Right on, son."

So how does one learn to be patient? Years ago when I read this book, I tried to teach myself patience by getting in the longer line at a red light instead of darting into the shorter one. My friend Brian said that I really wasn't doing anything, and that true patience will only come about when I am not creating an artificial situation, but real ones. He killed my spirit and I quit trying to learn to be patient.

Of all the things that I value in life, time is one of them. I think that is why I get so upset when someone seems disrespectful of my time. If I have an appointment at 4, I expect it to start at 4:00 and not 4:01. I made an appointment at that time because that is what works for me. I have something to do at 5:00 and for every minute we start after 4, that is a minute that is taken away from our time. I do not want to start at 3:45 because that is too early, I have something else I am doing. If I wanted to start then, I would have said 3:45. As you can tell, I have an issue.

Again I ask, how does one learn to be patient? I don't usually put much stock in wiki articles, but I do think this one has some truth in it. Here are the ideas I am going to work on. Like Billy Murray's character in What About Bob, I must use baby steps.

1. Remember, for every minute you are angry you lose 60 seconds of happiness.

2. If you've nothing to do while you're waiting, just try to appreciate the fact that you have nothing to do. In a fast-paced world, opportunities to do nothing are rare and should be cherished for their time to be un~bothered by minor things.

3. Instead of becoming annoyed by a distraction (such as a crying baby on a long flight), try just being a passive observer. If you make it daily practice to observe things and events without judging or forming an opinion, being able to acknowledge something without allowing it to annoy you will become easier with time.

Only three ideas, but I don't want to overwhelm myself. I must be patient in my ability to learn patience :)

--God, please help me to overcome what has been a lifelong struggle. I pray that I become more aware that I am losing patience before I actually get to the breaking point, and that I can learn to stop my exasperation before it is out of control. Amen.

Day 30- Don't Complain, Just Work Harder

Today TLL has Pausch reflecting on his quadriplegic landlord and baseball great Jackie Robison.

Pausch's landlord, Sandy, was an athletic young man with a fiance when he fell down into the cellar of a building. He lost his fiance and the function of his limbs, a situation that would lead most people into depression and a path of despair. Sandy wound up going to school and becoming a licensed marriage counselor, he got married and adopted kids. Pausch said that Sandy had the most non-whining attitude he had ever seen.

Secondly, Pausch discusses Jackie Robinson's character. Robison was spit on as a baseball player and he had to work harder than fellow white players to be signed. He was discriminated against by fans and players alike, and yet he did not retaliate. Assessing himself, Robinson said, "I'm not concerned with your liking or disliking me ... all I ask is that you respect me as a human being."

Pausch closes with this, "Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have infinite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won't make us happier."

I complain about so many trivial things- mostly my weight. I try to stop my husband from complaining when he gets started by reminding him of the things we do have, but I have a hard time stopping myself once I get started. Funny how we can see things in others that we cannot in ourselves. Once I am on the blah spiral, it is hard to get off of it on my own.

One of the best things I have found to deter complaining is my 9 month old. We are currently in the honeymoon stage where everything she does is perfect and I am her best thing. There is nothing like picking her up from daycare: when she sees me she smiles, convulses with excitement, and then crawls to me. How great is that? All she knows is that I am love and she wants it. Almost like a dog ;) I thank God every day that I have this piece of innocence to hold on to. What a blessing babies are.

--God, I ask that you help me to not be a whiner. Please give me the self control to catch myself once I get started on a downward spiral. Help me to think of the positives that are around me. Amen.

Day 29- Let's Make a Deal

Today I read about a deal between Pausch and his mother. Since he was little, he always leaned back in her dining room chair and she would say, "Don't lean back, you are going to break the chair." As a grad student, Pausch came up with a solution: a contract. He and his mother made a deal that if his leaning back ever broke the chair, he would buy her an entirely new dining room set. The chair never broke, but after that deal there was no more bickering over the chair legs. He claims the dynamic changed almost entirely to the mom wanting him to break the chair so she could get a new dining room suit!

This chapter comes in part V of TLL series entitled "It's About How to Live Your Life." So what am I to learn from the dining room chair story? Hold on... I'm thinking...

Okay, my take on it is ironically "don't sweat the small stuff" and pick your hills carefully. Is this the hill you want to die on? If not, dream up a compromise. Don't let small issues consume your limited time on earth.

Yesterday my husband and I got into an argument over our son's dinner. I was upset that he was eating pizza- yet again- over something more nutritious, like the pork tenderloin we were having. My husband also heaped out a pool of ranch for our son to dip the pizza in. Things escalated quickly after I made a comment regarding the food. I thought we were headed for a monumental fight and some ugly words were exchanged. However, I needed a shower so I went upstairs and took one.

While I was in the shower, it hit me how much time and energy my husband and I had just wasted on arguing. The issue was food, not something to start a war over. Additionally, he had worked all day and then came home to fix supper for our family, no doubt he felt attacked by my words. So, as hard as it was, I swallowed my pride and apologized. And you know what, he apologized right back. We were able to spend the rest of the night happily taking care of our family instead of fighting.

Hopefully, I can take the lesson of Making a Deal and compromise and use it in our marriage. Without a doubt, we waste time on trivial issues when we should be focused on loving and appreciating each other. Time to work on that.

--Dear God, I ask that you help me to see the "deals" that can be made in situations and avoid arguing with my husband and others. I pray that you help me to see the calm within the storm and take that path of least resistance. Amen.

Day 28- Raising the White Flag

Before I get started, let me just say that I have been in a bit of a funk. Since I skipped my Lentspiration on Day 18, I haven't been able to get back to a truly relaxed place. There is nothing concrete I can put my finger on, just that the hopeful disposition I was gaining from Lent has disappeared.

Yesterday I found myself upset because the travel agent shorted us one night on mine and my husband's anniversary trip. This is something she had fixed by this morning for a trip that wont' take place until May, but I was all torn up on my way home yesterday. I waisted time worrying about nothing! The bad thing is that I knew it at the time and continued to let it eat at me.

Then when I got home, I found out that my little boy had stolen a mini lego man from a poster hung on his school walls- someone's project. AND we also had a note from his teacher suggesting that we take him to the doctor ("perhaps he should see his physician") because he asks to go to the bathroom 2-3 times in a 45-60 minute period during nap time. The kid never takes naps. Ever. And he has been using this strategy forever. He asks to go to the bathroom so he can get out of laying on the floor. Case closed. This still has me fuming this morning because I feel like we have two months left in the school year and these teachers should know my child by now.

Anger. Frustration. Anxiety. Lentspiration is not currently winning the battle. I feel exasperated.

I just opened up TLL and read today's chapter and by God, it made me laugh. Just what I needed. Today's lesson is about Randy's real name being Randolph and his lifelong battle with his mother over using his nickname. In college she would address his letters to "Randolf Pausch," and he would write "return to sender on it." That gave me a huge chuckle. He must have been really convicted about this. So funny. I cannot imagine sending my mother's letters back for something so trivial. I love it.

As I type, I think about these last two internal "battles" I have been having, neither that big, but both a cerebral war for me. (Stupid, GAD!) It is time for me to raise my own white flag and give it up. Is one missed night (easy fix!) and a suggestion to take my son to the doctor- oops! I mean physician- really what I want to get bent out of shape about? It isn't.

Breath. Let go. Help me Lord to find peace.

Sia- Breathe me

--Dear God, I have a hard time raising the white flag with battles within myself. Please help me to stop things from escalating and to find peace. Please help me to slow down my mind and remind myself that even though some things in my life may be wrong right now, there are more things that are right. Amen.

Day 27- Earnest is better than hip

TLL series today details how Pausch says it is more important to be earnest than hip.

Earnest: adj, Resulting from or showing intense conviction: "an earnest student".

Hip: adj, Following the latest fashion, esp. in popular music and clothes.

Agreed. There is something to be said for a firmly held belief or opinion. It is one of the things I hate so much about politicians, where is their conviction?

I won't call out names, but on the local level, my district had a commissioner for years & years. I am not going to speak on her personally, but professionally (as it relates to her public position) she was the worst fence straddler. Whomever had the most representatives at the weekly commission meeting would be with whom she sided. My respect for her is nil because I never saw her stand for anything.

I cannot remember for the life of me what I was reading the other day, but the article was about what you would do if one of your friends is being racist. Would you go against them or remain silent in the face of peer pressure?

This chapter also makes me think of a recent lesson from church. The other week we talked about the Passion and Peter's denial of Jesus. Our Sunday School class reflected on what we would do if we were a disciple of Jesus the day of the crucifixion. Would we be strong enough to admit that we were his follower? In a related sermon entitled, "Walking with Jesus in a Riot" my pastor asked this question as well. What would you do? Would you hold to your convictions if your life depended on it? What about if the safety of your children depended on it?

I would like to say yes I would, but the truth is, I would think about my children first. I don't know if I would have the gumption to put my life in jeopardy knowing that it could result in my children being motherless or themeless being killed. This is something I have to struggle with as a Christian, and pray that I would do the right thing in the end. But as of today, I cannot say that I would. Romans 3:23, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

--Dear God, help me to lay my allegiance at the foot of respectable causes. I pray that I have enough conviction to do the right thing, even in the face of danger. Help me to always be earnest, especially when it comes to you and your truth. Amen.

Day 26- Dream Big

When I was a little girl, the biggest dream I had for myself was to not live in a trailer when I grew up. Growing up lower middle class, maybe even below that - I did have reduced lunch at school- was so very embarrassing for me. As an adult looking back, I feel like I wasted my childhood dreaming of something I shouldn't have really been worried about. I should have dreamt bigger.

In Chapter 28 of TLL, Pausch reflects on Armstrong's first step on the moon back in 1969 and how inspirational that event was for him as a child. He was at camp and the kids were sent to bed without witnessing the happening live. Luckily for Pausch, his dad took a picture of the t.v. screen with Armstrong standing on the moon. Pausch closes with, "Give yourself permission to dream. Fuel your kids' dreams, too. Once in a while, that might even mean letting them stay up past their bedtimes."

As a mother, I think all of the time about how to inspire my kids and help them to dream big. I often feel like if my parents had been more educated- neither graduated from high school- perhaps I would have known how to have bigger dreams than getting out of a trailer. If they had known more about college: that all are not created equal, that math is a good idea for a major (I was told their would only be the option of teaching if I majored in math! Imagine what I could have done with computers alone). I hope that as an educated mother that still works in higher ed, I can help my kids to make better choices.

One thing I have done is to focus so much on my kids, that I no longer dream big for myself. In fact, I wouldn't even know what to dream. Too often I feel like my path in life is set and that this is it for me. I will sit at a desk until retirement and never do anything extraordinary. Truth be told, I am scared to dream for anything more, lest I be disappointed.

In the future, I am going to try to remember that the world is full of opportunity and dreams to be had, and that a 35 year old still has a lot of life left to live, and dreams with which to fill that life.

--Dear God, I ask that you give me the power to dream big for myself, as well as for my children. I ask that you help me to not resign myself to the fact that life will always be as it is, that there is still time to do some cool, fantastical things. I pray that I can be an inspiration to my children and help them to dream big for all the days of their lives. Amen.

Edited to add this as a "Big Dream". Mama wants to go here. It is now on my Bucket List.

Day 25- Let Others Be Right

DSTSS today is about letting others be right. No one likes a person that always has to be right.

Since I have read DSTSS before, I have to confess that this is a chapter that I have been dreading like the plague. The necessity to be right is another avenue in which I struggle. I am a little full of myself when it comes to brains: I think I am smarter than the average bear. I am not proud of it, just admitting one of my flaws. Unless you are aware of flaws, you can't fix 'em.

I wish I could sit back and not care if someone else uses incorrect grammar or gets a particular fact wrong, but I do. The person who takes the brunt of this abuse is once again my poor husband. The man should be sainted for putting up with me.

--Dear God, as I begin this new week at work, I ask that you please help me to not point out when others are wrong. I ask that you help me to not harp on my husband if I think his thoughts or feelings are wrong. Please help this lesson be one that I retain for the duration. Amen.

Day 24- My best friend

No book today, just life. Once again, I am playing ketchup on the weekend. Yesterday I did not read at all because my best friend, Becky, came up to visit me. She calculated that we have known each other approximately 21 years. I knew who she about three years before I was on her radar, as she was more popular than me back in the day. Nevertheless, once we met in ninth grade it was on. She has been my best friend since.

The worst part about being best friends with someone you have known since puberty is that odds are you don't live in the same place anymore, and we don't. She lives in Griffin where we grew up, and I reside in Athens. The distance isn't that bad, a little under 2 hours, but when you are married with kids - as we both are - you don't have the luxury of picking up for a road trip often.

About seven or eight years ago, Boo was in a really bad accident. Our third- Alice- woke me up once Sunday morning to ask me if I had heard about Becky. No. What? What's wrong? She was in ICU at Grady Memorial Hospital in Atlanta. It was the longest drive of my life. All I could think about on my way to the hospital was what if she dies? What would I do? Who would I call when I needed to cry? I recalled old times and jokes like Queen of Butcha, which no one would understand but us. I will never forget seeing her athletic body unconscious, immobile, swollen, and purple from being abused.

Fast forward to now. Boo is blind in one eye and has a limp. She takes a lot of medications to keep herself functioning, but thank God she is here. Spending time with her this weekend was a gift, like all of my moments with her. This is one person who knows why I am the way I am, she knows all of my flaws (mentally and physically) and she still loves me...even after all of these years.

The funny thing is Boo asked me twice while she was here if I was okay. She thought I was acting down. I was completely fine and therefore confused by her question. The second time she posed it though, it hit me what she was getting from me, contentment. As someone who has never known me to be content, it probably did feel like something was 'off' with me. But content was exactly what I was. This weekend I was surrounded my my core four & my best friend. Life doesn't get much better than that.

Today I want to thank God for Becky, for without her, I would be one lost 'little' girl. And I want to thank Becky for being who she is, my hero.

--God, thank you so much for the gift of friendship. I realize I am one lucky girl to have had Becky in my life for 20+ years. I know every day with her is a gift, and I am so, so thankful that you felt I was deserving of her friendship. Amen.

Day 23- Live in the Moment...AGAIN!

On day 3 of Lent, my blog entry was entitled Live In The Moment. That entry was based on a chapter from TLL. Today, the subject comes up again in DSTSS. I take that as a sign that I really need to heed this lesson.

When I first saw the chapter title for today, it is odd that I immediately went to Day 3 based on my recall of certain words I associated with living in the moment. Turns out, those words were not at all in that entry, but further along in Day 9, Time Management. Living in the moment is so hard to do because moments are fleeting. It is no wonder that these entries merged in my mind.

Since I wrote Day 9, this quote has been in my mind almost every day:

Be happy for this moment, this moment is you life.

Connie Sumner/ Diane Lane in Unfaithful

I find it fascinating that of all the words I have regurgitated here, this is the one that is truly resonating with me. The movie Unfaithful is about a woman who seems to have a perfect life, but then she cheats on her husband and finds herself caught up in her unfaithfulness. I don't agree with what the main character does in this movie, but I get it.

So many times in life we begin to ride the wave of the mundane only to have something new and exciting distract us, even if it clearly bad for us. What we need to do is pay more attention to what we have and the things we should truly be thankful for. As I type, my 14 year old cat is creeping on the pillow in her window seat. I heard the sweet sound of her little paws as they gently fell on the pillow before she settled down to listen to the birds chirping outside. The sun is on her face and the wind is blowing her fur through the screen. I can feel her absorbing the moment. She looks so content. This is what I wish to feel all the days of my life.

I leave you with one of my favorite poems. It is actually an old Irish blessing. Enjoy. If you have time listen to the music here.

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.

---God, May we all feel the sun upon our face today and know that this moment is good. Amen.

Day 22- Let Someone else have the glory

In DSTSS for today, I read that we should let other people have the glory. This can be in the work environment or simply in listening to someone else's story in a discussion. Relating this back to Day 20, Carlson says to listen and do not wait for your turn to talk. He claims that you will be more calm in the conversation if you just sit back and take in the story.

I immediately relate this to work. I hope that I have been the kind of boss and coworker that gives credit where credit is due. I cannot pinpoint where this habit came from, but I have always tried to be conscious of not taking credit for someone else's hard work or good ideas. Truth be told, I don't take credit for their bad work either :) so I am not saint!

The second part of this lesson, listening to others without trying to "top" them is a little--scratch, that--ALOT harder for me.

As a child with absentee parents, I felt at a young age that I did not have a voice. My words were important to no one, even when I was screaming and crying for my parents to stop fighting or telling my mom I hated my stepdad. I was usually told to quit crying like a "sissy" or quit being "stupid." I got lost and shoved in the background of their lives as they were caught up in personal battles that did not relate to me.

I have grown to accept all of this, but one day in therapy my therapist and I were discussing why I feel the need to be loud and entertain. It was one of those days where the answer just comes out and you know it as truth the minute you begin to utter the words, "I want to be heard."

The bad part is that this is my issue that I do not want to force on others. Joe Schmoe has no idea why I want to talk over his story and one-up him. I am sure if I explained my actions would be more tolerable, but I do not need to tell everyone I have a conversation about my personal history (although I tend to do that very early in friendships). I also need to work on the related issue, my need to entertain others. I feel that if I entertain them and if I am funny enough they will like me, and I desperately want to be liked. This leads to me waiting for my turn to interject in most conversations I have.

The person who probably takes the brunt of my downfall is my husband. Chuck is a great story teller, but he uses many, many words. This would be wonderful if I were reading a book, but for some reason it is hard for me to listen to all of those words when they are spoken. Like other personal issues I have discussed before in these last few weeks, I think ADHD has something to do with my impatience, but I don't want to blame a condition. I own my behavior and I promise to work on it.

So today, I shall think about not interrupting and letting someone tell their story. After all, if it is important enough for them to share, I should have the common courtesy to listen. I am going to try to be more conscious of this. Especially with my husband.

--I pray that I can learn to be a listener and not always strive to be the storyteller. I pray that I always give credit where credit is due. I pray that I do not steal someone else's deserved glory. And finally, I pray that one day I will not feel the need to be listened to or the need to entertain, and that I will feel loved just for being. Amen.

Day 21- Do something nice for someone else...and keep it a secret!

DSTSS's suggestion today is that we do something nice for someone else and keep it a secret. Carlson says that there is something "magical" in doing something for someone else and keeping it private. I agree.

I have often been baffled by those who do something in secret only to out themselves at a later date. It takes something away from the gift in my opinion. I have a friend who received an anonymous gift of money one time. I remember being so excited with her, it was like some angel saw how great and deserving my friend was and helped her out. But then, a little while later, the "angel" revealed his identity. There is just something about that that sits badly with me. Do you really need the praise for doing something like that? I just don't get it. It took the magic away for me. I know it wasn't my gift to get upset over, but once the anonymity was gone, I felt like that person wanted the praise and loyalty that comes from the reveal.

I remember a few years ago doing something nice for someone, I am not going to say what because I really do not want to be found out. But I know the act I did made that person smile, and his/her spouse, and maybe even their children. It has crossed my mind to tell him/her over the years because I really wanted to get excited with this person, but I keep it to myself. I hope that he/she feels like they had a gift from an angel.

I haven't done anything like that in a while. I think now is the time. It really is a warm feeling like no other to be an anonymous Samaritan. That warm feeling will undoubtably make me feel less anxious and more satisfied as a child of God. My eyes are peeled and my thinking cap is on. Let's do this...anonymously of course :)

-God, Please help me to find things I can do in secret for others. Please help this lead them to the belief that things in the world are not all bad. Please help me be that secret angel that inspires someone and restores their faith in humanity or gives them a pick-me-up when they need it. Amen.

Day 20- Don't Interrupt

What I have found rotating between DSTSS and TLL is that TLL relates to how I want to be, and DSTSS tells me how to get there. Today's lesson from DSTSS is to listen and not interrupt while others are talking.

Carlson says that interrupting during a conversation leads to increased thinking and both people speeding up their speech. It can cause nervousness, irritability, and annoyance. Not surprisingly, I do this. Hello, my name is Heather and I interrupt people.

My therapist told me once that people with GAD often have ADHD. It can cause my thoughts to go straight from my brain to my mouth without pausing to think about what I am saying first. I don't know if I buy into all of the ADHD hype, but I definitely do not think before speaking. It is something I am aware of and try to work on, but it is also really hard work for me. I have to try daily to try and train my brain to intercept thoughts that translate directly to speech. It is quite exhausting.

I believe that this characteristic of mine is what leads me to interrupting others during a conversation.

Additionally, I lose my train of thought easily. Many times I interrupt because I know I will not remember a thought I wanted to share with the person if I have to wait for them to finish a sentence.

Regardless of why I interrupt, it is something I need to work on. I know that having more relaxing conversations will lead to a more calm place for me emotionally. Today, I will make an extra effort to listen and

...

...

...

...

...

......

...

......

...

......

...

......

...

......

...

......

...

...pause.

The other day I watched my husband play church league basketball. He kept driving to the hole and when he stopped to look at me during a free throw, I mouthed "ball hog," to him. It wound up hurting his feelings, but I didn't mean it to. Just now, typing this, I realized I am a word hog. Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Sorry again, dolly.

--Today I ask you, God, to help me to allow others to finish their sentences. I realize that by interrupting them I may be making them think that their words and thoughts are not important. Please help me to correct this pattern and make others more comfortable in conversation with me. Amen.

Day 19- The Promised Land

"Walt Disney's dream for Disney World was that it would never be finished. He wanted it to keep growing and changing forever."

Pausch speaks of a computer program he helped create called Alice. Alice is computer software that teaches kids how to program. This is one of Pausch's accomplishments he is proud to leave as his legacy. He said he knows it will allow some children to accomplish their dreams. Although he will not be able to see the Promised Land at the end, he is okay with that.

I am constantly amazed at how content Pausch seems to be with his death sentence. I know that he had some time to come to terms with it, but I find myself wondering if I could get to that state were I in his shoes. It is so hard to be a parent and not want to live long enough to see your kids grow up, graduate from high school, then college, see them get married and have your grandchildren. I want to know what Nixon will be like as a man. Will he have good character? Will he make the right choices when no one but God is watching? And then there is Laney. Will she be a good girl and save herself for someone she loves? Will she understand the added danger of being a woman and always look out for predators?

I must say that my heart is filled with sorrow as I read this chapter by Pausch. Here he is talking about leaving a projects whose full potential he will never see. He will not live long enough to see the kids who use it grow up and know how it effected them. Not only that, I have read this book before. I know that the ENTIRE thing is a "head fake" and he is really leaving this story for his children, not us. He wants them to know who he was, for his kids are too young to remember daddy.

When I started this project, I did it to help myself be happy in the moment and to learn to be grateful and less anxious in life. Would I be able to do that with a terminal illness? It is a lot to ask. It would be hard not to feel angry and cheated out of time and your family's future.

As I sit here and type, I just thought of a blog I read today. This hurt. It is related, and yet it isn't. This is the reverse, losing a child. A worse pain than having terminal illness and not being able to see your kids grow up, is to know that your kids will not have a chance to grow up.

SO, today all I did was get depressed with my Lentspiration reading. I think what I need to take with me today is the idea of building a legacy. What kind of legacy do I want to leave my family with? How do I want to be remembered? Last night I watched Oprah's interview with Bobbi Khristina Brown, the late Whitney Houston's daughter. The child had nothing but love for her mother: her words, her eyes, everything about her radiated this feeling. She said her mother groomed her and prepared her to go it alone...just in case. She could hear her mother's voice in her head, something she will always carry with her, and in that she finds strength. I pray that I can be that for my children- a place of strength.

-God, today I choose to take this lesson and work on my legacy. I pray that I am able to raise my children and preserve the values I want them to have. I pray that they learn to believe in you and do what is right by you. I ask that you help me to instill love, kindness, and grace in their hearts so that even if I shall pass while they are young, they grow up to be good souls. Kind souls. Worthy of Heaven souls. Amen.

Day 18-Bad day

Sunday we went to church and then my husband took our son with him to softball practice with the church team. I stayed at home with Miss Fusspot whose runny nose would not turn off. When my husband got back, it was like all of the energy had been zapped out of him. I was cranky from the time change. Things were off kilter.

I probably should have taken a time out sometime yesterday and read DSTSS, but I didn't. Instead, I let my bad mood get the best of me. I resented my husband for not wanting to jump on the trampoline and push the baby in the swing outside. I got mad when I wanted to watch something on t.v., but had to give my oldest a bath instead. It didn't take much by the end of the day to set me off.

I wonder if things would have been different had I done my daily reflection as promised. Sunday, Day 18, was the first day I broke my Lenten promise, and it stunk. I have only myself to blame.

-Dear God, please forgive me for breaking Lent today. I know better. Please help me to keep my promises, even on weekends when it is easy to push things to the side. I pray that this is the only day I get lazy during Lent. Help me to be steady and persevere. Also, please help my body to adjust to the time change and take away my crankiness. Amen.

Day 17- playing ketchup...again!

First, if you don't get the ketchup reference, here you go: CLICK ME.

It's Monday, and I confess that I didn't blog over the weekend. I am going to recap each day on its respective page beginning with Day 17- Saturday.

Saturday my husband had to work and I was alone with the kids all morning. Then, he came home from work and we took them to the playground. It was fantastic. Sitting there watching my husband play ball with my son while I sat with our baby (Who just started crawling Friday!!) felt perfect. It felt like being alive. I didn't read anything that day...but a funny thing happened that night when we had date night.

My husband and I were on our way to eat when we started talking about the article he sent me two days ago. Where I had taken it as something he wanted me to read and relate it back to myself, he told me that he really wanted me to read it so I could see that I am not the woman that has to do chores around the house! He was tooting his own horn.

My husband has a job where he gets home every day a little afternoon. He takes the opportunity to sweep, change litter boxes, put up clothes, and tidy up while he is home alone-not to say he doesn't work in time for naps and Sportscenter. I have always appreciated it, but apparently he wanted to remind me that he is a keeper :)

I found it extremely entertaining that he and I both took the same article and spun it so that it related to us and our cause. (Side note: Isn't that what people do with the Bible all of the time?) This is the same lesson I have previously discussed in that people react according to them and what is going on in their lives.

In closing, life was good on Saturday and I truly felt appreciative and fulfilled. Additionally, my conversation with my husband reminded me of perspective. Life was good.

--God, Thank you for days like Saturday. I apologize for not sitting down and blogging as promised during Lent, but I did take time and reflect that day. I am so thankful for my gifts in life: Chuck, Nixon, & Laney. They are my everything and I owe it all to you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Amen.