It's Good Friday! Have I learned to surrender all?

I have avoided writing this post today, not because I have been bad, but because I have been embarrassed.  God actually gave me a job interview a week and two days ago, and I haven't heard back since.  It was an amazing interview. There were prayers all around me. I was calm. I was competent. I didn't suffer from anomic aphasia, which often happens when I am nervous.

What are you telling me, God?! I was typing up this post when I got an email saying I did not get the position.  I literally stopped the previous paragraph to open the email.  I currently am deflated and have tears in my eyes.  I don't know whether to continue on with this post or stop.

I suppose I will go ahead and say what I know I have learned during this experience.

I have clarity. I know that I need a change. I know that I have to quit living in fear of change. I am going to have to step out of my comfort zone to make things happen.  I learned that people love me and think more highly of me than I think of myself. I learned I have an awesome network of friends and support I didn't know I had before.  I know that it behooves me to take daily, quiet moments to listen to myself and to God's still small voice.  I know I can hear it in art. I know I can pray through art. I know that things happen for a reason and sometimes you cannot see the big picture when you are in your little section of pixels. I know that our lives are much like a mandala, where if you look at it close up, you might not be able to see a pattern, but as you pull out and see the entire image, you can see the beauty in it. I pray that as the years go by and I zoom out of this moment, I will understand why sometimes change doesn't happen when you want it to.

Matthew 6:25-34

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Ahhhh, mandalas!

Check out this link from Bored Panda on hand painted mandalas.

http://www.boredpanda.com/stone-art-mandala-elspeth-mclean-canada/

Mandala Therapy

On our Women's Retreat a week ago, we were all asked to color our own personal mandala.  What is a mandala? A mandala is a circle that reminds us of the infinite- no end and no beginning. From the authority of all things (insert tongue in cheek) Wikipedia, a mandala is:

Mandala (Sanskrit: मण्डल Maṇḍala, 'circle') is a spiritual and ritual symbol in Hinduism and Buddhism, representing the Universe.^[1] The basic form of most mandalas is a square with four gates containing a circle with a center point. Each gate is in the general shape of a T.^[2][3] Mandalas often exhibit radial balance.^[4]

Our goal at the retreat was to let ourselves go when coloring our mandalas.  Listen to your mind and color what feels right. Color what is inside.  I had a therapist once who would give me a box of  crayons during therapy sessions and tell me to draw what I felt.  I loved her. Not only did drawing help me get my emotions out, it allowed me to see what was going on inside. When I was in turmoil- which was every time, hence therapy- the colors were always reds and blacks. Sometimes some burnt orange.  Lots of tornado shapes or eyes with dark circles under them.

At the retreat, I was obviously in a period of reflection, so I drew what made me happy. The focus was of course my family. When drawing them the colors become much brighter: blues, yellows, greens. No red or purple, nothing striking.  Just serene, cool colors.

This past week I have tried to sit down every day and color a mandala. The amazing thing is how time passes so quickly when I am in that creative space. Time stands still for the artist. I find it to be the coolest thing.  It is in these repeated moments where time is still that I am finding more blues and greens.  The longer I color, the better I feel, and the better I feel, the brighter life is.

Last night I was feeling really low and my mandala was half red & angry, and half blue & calm. Because that is how I feel on the inside.  Dark vs. light. Good vs. Evil. Stitched up in the middle with ugly black stitches, each side trying to sustain its territory. The internal juxtaposition is hard. Which one will win?

I suppose that there will always be a dark and light side in me, and that I have to learn to nurture the good/positive side in order for it to prevail over the other. Water it. Give it sunshine. Allow it to grow. Hopefully my newfound affinity for art therapy will aid in growing that lighter side. The side I want to become. The side that is so often clouded over by life and stress.

The pictures below demonstrate dark v. light, coincidentally in the color pallets I mentioned above.  Interesting how other artists interpret good v. evil with the same pallet I do. Maybe it is as some say, and there are no coincidences.

God, please help the light to shine. Amen.

The Retreat

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

Just because I haven't been blogging doesn't mean I haven't been working on Lent.  This past weekend our church had its first ever Women's Retreat. This is something I had been planning for for a long time.  Our keynote, Jill Joyner Bush, was at a retreat I attended last year, and I knew she and God would do some amazing things at our gathering.

My focus on the retreat was to learn to listen to what God wants me to do. To be patient and not try to push things. Let Him take care of me.  As someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), that is virtually an impossible task.  Recently I heard someone say that if you are anxious, then you are not a true believer in God, because true believers have no reason to be anxious.  I got so angry. How dare someone without a mental disease say that?  They do not know. Let me repeat, they do not know. However, as I stewed over that statement for weeks, I realized there is some truth in it.  I know that I am biologically and chemically incapable of being 100% anxiety free. However, I need to do a better job of blaming my sickness and trying to alleviate some of my stress by making a conscious effort to hand over the big things to God.

The first "big thing" on my list is my job.  Should I still be doing what I am doing? If not, where do I go?

So, two HUGE things happened for me this weekend.

1. We drew mandalas and on mine I had various words listed. One of these words was "clarity." After we finished our mandalas, we posted them on the walls of the retreat center to share with those around us. One of my friends, Kathy, asked me about mine, and I explained it to her, and she did hers and off we went to another activity. Hours later, we were cutting out things for our vision boards- things we want for ourselves in the coming year. Kathy, came up to me and had cut out a picture of a group of Scrabble letters that spelled out "clarity."  She remembered that word from my mandala in a list of many. Kathy is someone who I consider to be an angel on earth. She is the embodiment of joy and all that is good in humanity.  The fact that (a) she remembered my word and (b) God sent that word to me again through her was huge.

2.  We had to have an hour and a half of quiet time where we were not allowed to talk. I wanted to spend my quiet time running. However, our location made it so that the only thing I would have to look at during my run was the road and trees. No houses or scenery to speak of.  This meant that I definitely wanted to bring my iPod for a distraction.  "Should I do it? Should I not? Is that breaking a rule? Will it be a distraction from God." In the end I brought the iPod and trusted that God would send me the music I needed to hear. Boy was I led by the Holy Spirit in that decision. I found so much clarity during that run. The denouement being when the song below was played. I know God was in that moment on that lonely road. It is a moment that I cannot explain, but had me with my hands up in the air in praise and submission.  In the middle of the day. On an open road. In God's presence.  God, please show me what I'm looking for.

https://youtu.be/5IqCfxgKZd8

Amen.

How Do We Surrender?

If surrendering to God was easy, then we would all be doing it. Clearly we aren't. I know that I am not spiritually equipped to tackle an issue like surrendering without some guidance.

Of course, I turned to a trusted source for some help on this issue, Andy Stanley.  I quickly found a series of messages online entitled the "White Flag" series.  This set of messages is about running from God, and I was really disappointed that wasn't the type of surrender that I need to address.  I am not running from God, I am trying to learn to be patient and let God reveal a plan for me to surrender to.  I became frustrated last Friday as I tried to type out this blog entry.

Well, we all know that the Lord works in mysterious ways...

We have had a lot of issues with the Children's Ministry at our church as of late.  As a result, my 8 year old loses his mind on Sunday's crying and begging not to go to church. Don't worry, he isn't abused there or anything, he is just bored off of his rocker.  Let me clarify that we love our church, and there are so many avenues where our church is perfect, but Children's Ministry isn't one of them.  It is very hard to try to fight your child every week about church. Very exhausting. Very mentally exhausting.  Therefore, my husband and I agreed that we would try to take our son to a different church during the Sunday School hour and see how he likes it.  That is what I did this past Sunday.  I chose Athens Church because of their reputation with Children's Ministry, but it is also an offshoot of North Point Ministries- home of Andy Stanley.

Although I was at Athens Church for my son, I came away with something for myself.  It is almost like Andy knew that I hadn't found what I needed from him on Friday, but he was sure ready to hand it to me on Sunday.  To recap from previous years, I grew up in a dysfunctional home.  I crave security. I cannot interview for other jobs without crying and sending myself into a panic. That is clearly the main reason I am underemployed.  It is why I fear that if God is telling me it's time for a change, I will ignore what He is saying and try to stay the course of what is safe.  But, if I am going to be submissive, I am going to have to learn to deal with my fear of the unknown.

Andy Stanley's current series, "Ask it" was written for me. It is one of those how-did-he-know-I-need-that sermons.  The idea behind it is that we should take into consideration our past, present, and future regarding every invitation/opportunity/relationship/decision: ask, "What is the wisest thing for ME to do?"  This question will be my focus this Lenten season. I will answer the question, and even if I do not follow through, I will learn something about myself. Hopefully I will be able to learn to submit and follow through with the best option. The option God has lay out in front of me. The path He wants me to take. Free from fear. Confident in my submission. Even if it isn't the "safe" answer.

"Be very careful, then, how you live- not as an unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil."
Ephesians 5:15-16

I surrender all

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
   All to Him I freely give;
   I will ever love and trust Him,
   In His presence daily live.
   • Refrain:
     I surrender all,
     I surrender all;
     All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
     I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Humbly at His feet I bow,
   Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
   Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
   Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
   Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Lord, I give myself to Thee;
   Fill me with Thy love and power;
   Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Now I feel the sacred flame.
   Oh, the joy of full salvation!
   Glory, glory, to His Name!

--

Do you surrender all? I have been struggling for years regarding my job. Some of it I have acknowledged on this blog. And yet here I still sit, paralyzed in fear of the unknown.  

This Lenten season, I am going to try and surrender this fear to God. Put my trust in him. Try to listen to what he wants for me. Sitting at my desk and running job searches and thinking of what-might-have-been is only driving me crazy. I am a hamster on a wheel. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is in full force. 

Someone said to me the other day that anxiety will never disappear as long as we are trying to control it all. As of Ash Wednesday, 2015, I will attempt to learn to surrender.  Let the journey begin.  

What makes you feel alive?

I am going through a midlife crisis form of depression lately. My husband says I am too young to be experiencing such, but the interwebs say it is possible and the nets don't lie.  I know I am because the four walls around me at work are closing in tighter and tighter every day. I have come to realize that my life will be a "meh" one as far as accomplishment, I am not Ghandi or Mother Teresa, or even Oprah. I have no Wiki page. When I die, my name will not live on. It will die as those who remember me die out. 

No, I am not suicidal. Just contemplative.  

For now, I have resolved to do as many things as I can to feel alive while I am relatively young (38) and healthy. One day I might have a stroke and not even be able to smile evenly, so I am going to make it a point to smile more now.  Here is a list of other things that help me to feel alive. I invite you to try them withe me. 

1. Running. Especially in the rain, feeling my body in motion while surrounded by God's gift of nature.

2. Stretching. With my hands up way above my head, and releasing a big breath and loud sigh as my hands fall down.

3. Loving. Feeling my heart wanting to explode out of my chest as I smell my little girl's hair, hug on my growing son, or lay my head on my on my husbands shoulder.

4. Dancing. Letting my limbs fly awkwardly around as I enjoy my favorite tunes. One of my favorite lyrics is from Third Eye Blind, "The four right chords can make me cry." Yes, but they can also lift me up to a place of elation. 

5. Laughing.  Enjoying those moments with friends where you laugh so hard you can't catch your breath, and know you are having one of those moments that are rare and to be cherished.