The Retreat

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

Just because I haven't been blogging doesn't mean I haven't been working on Lent.  This past weekend our church had its first ever Women's Retreat. This is something I had been planning for for a long time.  Our keynote, Jill Joyner Bush, was at a retreat I attended last year, and I knew she and God would do some amazing things at our gathering.

My focus on the retreat was to learn to listen to what God wants me to do. To be patient and not try to push things. Let Him take care of me.  As someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), that is virtually an impossible task.  Recently I heard someone say that if you are anxious, then you are not a true believer in God, because true believers have no reason to be anxious.  I got so angry. How dare someone without a mental disease say that?  They do not know. Let me repeat, they do not know. However, as I stewed over that statement for weeks, I realized there is some truth in it.  I know that I am biologically and chemically incapable of being 100% anxiety free. However, I need to do a better job of blaming my sickness and trying to alleviate some of my stress by making a conscious effort to hand over the big things to God.

The first "big thing" on my list is my job.  Should I still be doing what I am doing? If not, where do I go?

So, two HUGE things happened for me this weekend.

1. We drew mandalas and on mine I had various words listed. One of these words was "clarity." After we finished our mandalas, we posted them on the walls of the retreat center to share with those around us. One of my friends, Kathy, asked me about mine, and I explained it to her, and she did hers and off we went to another activity. Hours later, we were cutting out things for our vision boards- things we want for ourselves in the coming year. Kathy, came up to me and had cut out a picture of a group of Scrabble letters that spelled out "clarity."  She remembered that word from my mandala in a list of many. Kathy is someone who I consider to be an angel on earth. She is the embodiment of joy and all that is good in humanity.  The fact that (a) she remembered my word and (b) God sent that word to me again through her was huge.

2.  We had to have an hour and a half of quiet time where we were not allowed to talk. I wanted to spend my quiet time running. However, our location made it so that the only thing I would have to look at during my run was the road and trees. No houses or scenery to speak of.  This meant that I definitely wanted to bring my iPod for a distraction.  "Should I do it? Should I not? Is that breaking a rule? Will it be a distraction from God." In the end I brought the iPod and trusted that God would send me the music I needed to hear. Boy was I led by the Holy Spirit in that decision. I found so much clarity during that run. The denouement being when the song below was played. I know God was in that moment on that lonely road. It is a moment that I cannot explain, but had me with my hands up in the air in praise and submission.  In the middle of the day. On an open road. In God's presence.  God, please show me what I'm looking for.

https://youtu.be/5IqCfxgKZd8

Amen.