I went to Ash Wednesday services and took my ashes, promising to focus on God this Lenten season and blog about the experience as I have the past two years. But I didn't. I haven't. You haven't heard from me, not one bit. I don't even know how many days into Lent we are, but I have failed to keep my promise.
I feel the need to explain to my non existent readers why. Here it goes...
On the outside, I am a perfectly functioning 37 year old wife and mother of two. I have a graduate degree from a top 3 program in my field, a steady job, great friends, a solid church, and a wonderful family. I go through life like most people day by day watching the days pass slowly, but the years going quickly. Most days I am fine. Most years I am fine. But sometimes, I get overloaded.
I have a "condition" called Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I can try and explain it. What happens is I get overwhelmed with thoughts and it causes me to be jumpy, snappish, and teeter on the edge of panic attacks. It causes me the inability to concentrate, or remember, or think clearly. It affects my home life and my work life. It prevents me from sleeping at night because I cannot stop my thoughts. They keep me awake- kind of like trying to sleep in a loud club that keeps blaring thumping music all night long. I lose focus and feel the need to avoid life because I am terrified at what it will throw at me any given day: I am scared I won't be able to handle it. I am scared that something will be the straw that makes the camel break out into uncontrollable screams and convulsions. I am scared that if I crack, my inner thoughts and ugliness will spill out for the world to see. They will know I am crazy.
For the last 11 years of my life, I have kept my anxiety in check with Lexapro. Something happened -although nothing really happened- to my body recently and it is like the Lexapro quit working. I could feel my sanity slipping away little by little. When I finally broke down and went to the doctor I cried and we talked and he upped my dosage. Last Monday I was convinced the dosage wasn't going to work and I was going to have to go on something else. That thought alone scares the bejesus out of me because Lexapro has been my lifeline to normalcy for so long. My crutch. I am terrified of trying another drug and suffering the new side-effects. Then something happened.
Wednesday I woke up to silence. Miraculously there were no thoughts in my head when I woke up. The loud dialogue of "what-ifs" weren't there. The last two days are the first two days I have felt normal since sometime in February. I am overjoyed that I can function again, and hesitant to get too excited because I don't want to get my hopes up that it is over. But please, God, let it be over.
I prayed and prayed Tuesday night for God's help. I was fine Wednesday morning. I don't know what to think. The last few weeks in Sunday School we have been talking about the Will of God, and what we believe. Is God really involved in every aspect of our lives? Or is he like a clockmaker that sets the wheels in motion and then watches what happens without involvement? I think different things at different times and depending on the situation. I don't have the answers and I am not meant to have all of the answers, because I am not all knowing. Only God is.
As for today, I am going to appreciate the silence in my head. And I am going to give God the credit for it, because I do think He had a hand in it. And I am going to rejoice and be glad. And I am going to hope that now that I can focus, I can concentrate on my Lenten promise.
Dear God, Thank you for sanity. Thank you for doctors and medications that assist us in our lives and give us the ability to function. Thank you for allowing me to be born in a time and place that gives me access to these things. I pray that you continue to be with me and keep a calm hand on my head. And I thank you for giving me a wonderful husband who supports me in times of mental sickness. Amen.
