It has been a particularly rough week for me emotionally. Without going into detail, I will say that I didn't have the best childhood and I had to relive some if it last Monday. The fallout has been a time of reflection and searching for me. It is leading me to uncover things about myself that I didn't realize. I am 37 and have spent years in therapy. I amazed that there are critical things I missed and realizations that never came up there.
At Sunday School last week, we were asked to reflect back and using hindsight, recall in whose face we saw the face of God when we were children: Something we wouldn't have recognized at the time, but that now we can see. I cried. I couldn't think of anyone. I began to feel sorry for myself. The closest I could come was people on the peripheral, who individually didn't have an huge impact on me, but collectively kept me from meandering down the wrong path. Maybe God can sometimes be like a guide-rail, keeping me between the lines.
The best form of therapy for me is talking. Telling my story over and over again to my friends until I get it out of my body and mind. I am not sure how many times I told the story of the past week to my friends, but eventually I found an answer in all of my regurgitation. I realized that I began to heal myself from my childhood when I was able to get away from home. When I got a car. When I could drive to normalcy and away from dysfunction. College was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was away and free to start my own life and build it a non-poisonous environment. I could pick and choose by whom I wanted to be surrounded.
Stepping back into dysfunction last week brought me back to my past. I was again a child. A child trying to defend her own now. I will not let the past drag me down and back. I have worked too hard. Today, while I was chatting with one of my best friends, she told me, "Music is your medicine." Then I proceeded to surf the net (with no purpose, just for fun) and byway of FB, I coincidentally found a link to the Habits of Supremely Happy People. I read the article, hoping for the key to not going back in time again. How to be content where I am because of how far I have come. And then I saw this habit, "They value a good mixtape." I read on.
"Music is powerful. So powerful, in fact, that it could match up to the anxiety-reducing effects of massage therapy."
I take that a sign from God. He spoke to me through my friend and through this article. I have made a place for myself to find refuge in music. I can sing and dance and not let dysfunction win. As an only child, I have always sung to myself. I do it pretty much all day, every day. Various songs that pull from my memory. I have never given it much thought, it is just what I do. Perhaps I have known how to help myself all along, I just didn't realize it. I will recover from this last incident, just like I did from those of my childhood.
I think that sometimes we can take huge steps backwards, but that doesn't mean we have failed or regressed. I am not a child anymore. I am not in a toxic environment anymore. Adults who act like children are not in control anymore. I am not immobilized. I am grown. I am in control. I have surrounded myself with people who love me and support me. I will not be bullied by adults from my past. They may not have changed, but I have.
Recently, I listened to a sermon from Athens Church on The Comparison Trap. It ties in nicely with this situation. Some of us may have better parents or better childhoods. Some of us may have been born with the best of everything. But we cannot blame what we become on what we were or were not given. I may have not been dealt the greatest hand, but it is up to me to play it to the best of my ability. What will I do with what God has given me?
When I originally heard this sermon about 3 weeks ago, it resonated with me. God put it there for me. He knew I would need it. I did. Thanks be to God. As Andy Stanley prays, I also pray: God, to the best of my ability, help me to walk in your will...a race that honors you and brings satisfaction to me. Amen.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
The Day After Boston, 04/16/13
Running has always been a place where I find peace. After 9/11 I remember going for a run the next morning, looking up into the sky and knowing no one would be flying over me that day. It gave me a sense of security and solace. I remember feeling guilty for it, for the ones that will never be able to run again. Yesterday, my evening run turned from one of scheduled exercise to a second escape and one of reflection. Runners, our safe place was attacked and my heart breaks for so many reasons. I always think of the following Irish Blessing when I run and feel particularly alive, today I dedicate it to those scarred by Boston.
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.
May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.
May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.
May God bless us all.
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.
May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.
May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.
May God bless us all.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Easter is Over
Good Friday came and went quickly along with Easter. Here is a list of some of my favorite things that happened or things I want to remember from the last few days.
- My son and I went to Athens Church and he took his first communion.
- The lesson, "Remember me." Luke 22:19
- I felt the spirit at Athens Church during that last song. I will not forget it, nor the woman crying to my right.
- The look of serenity on the female singer's face that Good Friday night.
- After church on Easter, I said maybe we should smile more and my husband said, that is what our preacher said in the service. (I was helping out in the baby nursery) That is a sign from God.
- Watching the passion on the History Channel's The Bible.
- My son watching the above and him getting it.
- Hearing Mary say, "Jesus," as she announces his name for the first time. It made me visualize the actual Christ Child as a baby. Her baby.
- Easter at my in-laws. They are a constant. I need those.
Matthew 28:20 "...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Amen.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Focus on God
I remember when I started this year's entries I promised not to kick myself for not posting every day. I have still felt guilty when I skip a few days, but what I have noticed is regardless of whether or not I am writing my thoughts down, I am keeping my focus on God. It is amazing actually how much more I think about Him and His presence in my life. I have been conscious of how kind I am to others daily and whether or not I am doing unto others etc. What it really has done is made me think of the other 325 days of the year that I am not focused on God.
I read something the other day about those gap years when the majority of us who grew up in the church drop out. Those years after your parents stop making you go- maybe high school but most certainly college years. Those years where you slack and just live without getting up on Sunday's to go to church. Then we return to the church and God as we age and get married and have children. I began to reflect back on my own gap years. Those 4 years I spent at UGA. What if I had died then? I feel so guilty thinking about it now. I have tried not to think about what a bad believer I was back then. Not only did I not go to church, pray, read the Bible, etc, I went out drinking and partying all of the time. I pushed God to the side so that I could have fun and live with "no regrets." Hmmm.
Today I am so glad that I lived long enough to come full circle. I realize that I am damaged and made mistakes, but I have clearly learned from them. I am still continuing to learn today. This Lenten season, I am learning a LOT. I am learning that I can focus on God and still have a life. As a working mother of two, I have often felt too busy to read the Bible, or do an independent motivational. But I am learning I not too busy for it. In fact, it has been easy for me to look for God in my daily life. I can see him when I am looking for random acts of kindness to perform: I see others doing acts of kindness while I am on the prowl. I find articles on blogs and FB posts that remind me to focus on God. I listen to NPM sermons online when I have downtime. The History Channel is showing a wonderful series my husband and I have been watching on the Bible. It goes to show that God is present in our lives every day. We just have to keep our eyes and hearts open. I am so glad that I have chosen to add on something during Lent the past two years. This blog. This focus.
I read something the other day about those gap years when the majority of us who grew up in the church drop out. Those years after your parents stop making you go- maybe high school but most certainly college years. Those years where you slack and just live without getting up on Sunday's to go to church. Then we return to the church and God as we age and get married and have children. I began to reflect back on my own gap years. Those 4 years I spent at UGA. What if I had died then? I feel so guilty thinking about it now. I have tried not to think about what a bad believer I was back then. Not only did I not go to church, pray, read the Bible, etc, I went out drinking and partying all of the time. I pushed God to the side so that I could have fun and live with "no regrets." Hmmm.
Today I am so glad that I lived long enough to come full circle. I realize that I am damaged and made mistakes, but I have clearly learned from them. I am still continuing to learn today. This Lenten season, I am learning a LOT. I am learning that I can focus on God and still have a life. As a working mother of two, I have often felt too busy to read the Bible, or do an independent motivational. But I am learning I not too busy for it. In fact, it has been easy for me to look for God in my daily life. I can see him when I am looking for random acts of kindness to perform: I see others doing acts of kindness while I am on the prowl. I find articles on blogs and FB posts that remind me to focus on God. I listen to NPM sermons online when I have downtime. The History Channel is showing a wonderful series my husband and I have been watching on the Bible. It goes to show that God is present in our lives every day. We just have to keep our eyes and hearts open. I am so glad that I have chosen to add on something during Lent the past two years. This blog. This focus.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
The Best Prayer
Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
A write-up from the Huffington Post.
The above prayer summarizes what is in my heart for Lent. I wish it were easy to put all of these to practice. But as I am human and fallible, I will fail at these, but I will try again and again. Hopefully, one day I will get most of them right.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Humility
Recall the last post I did on forgiveness, or lack thereof. I found this on Webster's webpage under humility. Humility: The quality or state of being humble. Then this:
Funny how things tie in. Humility. Emphasized in the NPM's lesson (Part 3) I listened to today is the idea that great marriages are built on humility.
When I was first listening to this lesson, I had no idea what direction it was going to take. It was about marriage and the relationship between a man and wife. It touched on the idea of mutual submission, the act of deferring to each other's happiness. Andy Stanley said it is the MOST powerful relationship dynamic. I can see that. It's so funny how things are obvious but you cannot see them without someone putting it right in front of your face.
Lately my husband and I have been working on each other's love language. Amazingly enough, it works. I have been making up beds, vacuuming, and tidying things I would never have before because my husband's language is acts of service. Guess what. He feels loved. This is remarkable to me because those things would do nothing for my love tank. At all. (Ranking my LL, I scored the lowest on acts of service!) He has also been doing things for me in my language: love notes, massages, spending time. It works. But still there is something missing. I cannot quite feel close enough to him. Enter today's sermon.
Like I said, I had no idea what would be the key to a successful marriage according to Andy, but it turns out to be praying out loud, together, on a regular basis. The stats he spits out on divorce rates of couples that pray together were almost nothing. Something like 1 in 10,000 couples. Any time I have thought about praying with my husband before, I shoved it out of my head. SCARY! I don't pray aloud. Not even in my car alone with God. What if I say something stupid? How can I be that vulnerable in front of him? Spiritual vulnerability is an expression of intimacy. Can we be willing to push through the discomfort and bear our soul in front of our partner to God? Praying out loud demonstrates a connection to God. Mutually submit to God, and then each other.
WOW. Seems like if I can practice humility with my partner, then perhaps I can do it with others. Mutual Submission. Humility. Forgiveness. Amen.
Funny how things tie in. Humility. Emphasized in the NPM's lesson (Part 3) I listened to today is the idea that great marriages are built on humility.
When I was first listening to this lesson, I had no idea what direction it was going to take. It was about marriage and the relationship between a man and wife. It touched on the idea of mutual submission, the act of deferring to each other's happiness. Andy Stanley said it is the MOST powerful relationship dynamic. I can see that. It's so funny how things are obvious but you cannot see them without someone putting it right in front of your face.
Lately my husband and I have been working on each other's love language. Amazingly enough, it works. I have been making up beds, vacuuming, and tidying things I would never have before because my husband's language is acts of service. Guess what. He feels loved. This is remarkable to me because those things would do nothing for my love tank. At all. (Ranking my LL, I scored the lowest on acts of service!) He has also been doing things for me in my language: love notes, massages, spending time. It works. But still there is something missing. I cannot quite feel close enough to him. Enter today's sermon.
Like I said, I had no idea what would be the key to a successful marriage according to Andy, but it turns out to be praying out loud, together, on a regular basis. The stats he spits out on divorce rates of couples that pray together were almost nothing. Something like 1 in 10,000 couples. Any time I have thought about praying with my husband before, I shoved it out of my head. SCARY! I don't pray aloud. Not even in my car alone with God. What if I say something stupid? How can I be that vulnerable in front of him? Spiritual vulnerability is an expression of intimacy. Can we be willing to push through the discomfort and bear our soul in front of our partner to God? Praying out loud demonstrates a connection to God. Mutually submit to God, and then each other.
WOW. Seems like if I can practice humility with my partner, then perhaps I can do it with others. Mutual Submission. Humility. Forgiveness. Amen.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
I Still Hate Him
Today's lesson for me comes from Part 2 from the Life Apps series by North Point Ministries, The Forgiveness Application. Scripture is from Romans 17: 17-21.
Romans 12:17-21
New International Version (NIV)
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful
to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible,
as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not
take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is
written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[a] says the Lord. 20 On
the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if
he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals on his head.”[b]
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil
with good.
How hard is this? I have one person I hate. I mean, really hate. I won't go into why, just that this hate is longstanding. Nine years this summer, actually. If I jump outside of my own box and look at the breaking point in my relationship with him, I see that I wasn't all right. But I wasn't all wrong either. However, I am not here to defend myself. I want to let it go, but I haven't been able to. What is it that keeps us from forgiving?
Jeff Henderson says in order to forgive we have to follow and know 4 things:
1. Embrace God's forgiveness in you. He actually says we are heir's of the Most High.
2. Forgiven people forgive.
3. Let God avenge you.
4. Overcome evil with good.
If I had to sit down and analyze these, right off the bat I would say #1 is the hardest for me. I have never felt worthy. Not worthy of forgiveness, nor worthy of love. Because I know my deepest thoughts, I alone know how cruel I can be. I am an heir of God's? The only way I can accept this at all is to look at my own children and how much I love them. I would forgive them for anything. I know I would. As I am sitting her typing I am thinking of terrible things they could do- like one kill the other, and still I would love the killer. I know that is an extreme example, but my point is that I cannot find anything. I would forgive them, and continue to love them because they are my children. I suppose that is how God feels about us: they are my children.
Do you know anyone who you think models forgiveness and love? I know some people and I want to be like them. I wonder what their secret is and what they are really like with their closest family and friends. What does their inner voice say to them?
#2 is also hard because I feel like forgiving sometimes makes you look like you are admitting you were wrong and the other person was right. (Recall my words above & how I had to tell you in that that I wasn't all wrong.) Pride commeth before the fall.
Perhaps we can start backwards. Perhaps if I start with #4, then the others will follow. That is my plan. To overcome good with evil. I might not be able to start out with my hated enemy, but I can start with the guy who cuts me off in traffic. Or the cashier who doesn't speak. My plan is to pray that I can start to do more good in my everyday life--again, small things with great love--and that it leads me to forgiveness...and if I am lucky, a dissolution of pride.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Public or Private?
I have a list drafted in my Lentspiration blog library of random acts of kindness I am doing during Lent. I am keeping track to hold myself accountable, but I am not sure it is something I should publish. I don't want recognition or praise for these acts, just to inspire others to be kind. Originally I thought I would post these at the end of Lent as a means of closure for this season, but now I am not so sure. Should they be between me and God? Hopefully I will do the right thing.
Speaking of the right thing, I watched another sermon from North Point Ministries today on the application of God's word. From this message I got: (1) Doing makes all of the difference, and (2) In application is liberty, even if you don't experience it immediately.
Doing makes the difference. Check out the love mob on Momastery today. It's funny, rule #2 of this Flash Mob is the point "Small things with great love." Ironically, I found the image below Pinterest this morning & put it on my unpublished Acts of Kindness page. I just figured out the coincidence while typing this entry. Coincidence or God? Doing makes the difference.
Speaking of the right thing, I watched another sermon from North Point Ministries today on the application of God's word. From this message I got: (1) Doing makes all of the difference, and (2) In application is liberty, even if you don't experience it immediately.
Doing makes the difference. Check out the love mob on Momastery today. It's funny, rule #2 of this Flash Mob is the point "Small things with great love." Ironically, I found the image below Pinterest this morning & put it on my unpublished Acts of Kindness page. I just figured out the coincidence while typing this entry. Coincidence or God? Doing makes the difference.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Being Restless
Sooooo, I finally broke down crying and confessed to my husband that the December service I attended at my home church in 2012 fulfilled me more spiritually than the entire year of sermons we heard at our home church. I know, I know. I am sad about it. I love my church and there are wonderful people there. I get so much from it in many ways, but spiritually I am hungry.
What do I do with this? My husband is loyal to a fault, as am I. We aren't going anywhere. We have relationships with these people. We learn from their actions how to be more Christlike through works. The Presbyterians are the most service oriented religion I have ever seen. My problem is that their sermons pretty much explain biblical text. They recap the stories with some interpretation along the way. For me, I need a challenge. I need someone to read the word of God and say, here, this is how you take it out into the world. Can you do that? Here are ways to try.
A few weeks ago the pastor of the Presbyterian Student Center on campus came to speak at our church. Now that was a lesson. His sermon was entitled, "The Edge of Glory." He spoke on being pushed to the edge and how to push things to the edge. He spoke on integration at the university and how the PSC was one of the first places to welcome african americans. They pushed to the edge because they knew it was the right thing to do, regardless of the backlash they may have received from the masses. He asked what we do to push things in our own lives. It made me think and try to figure out how to make it applicable for me. Yay! Something to take home!
After the talk I had with my husband yesterday, a friend of mine posted a link on FB to North Point Ministries sermon that morning (a mega church I am afraid of because, well, it's a mega church). But I watched the link and it was an amazing lesson on encouragement vs criticism. It was based on Proverbs 11:25 :When you replenish others you will be replenished..." This is a huge insight from Solomon. The challenge for us to take home: be mindful of how many words of encouragement you use in a conversation, when you start to criticize, stop yourself. Change the 1:6 ratio of encouragement to criticism in the average conversation. A message I can take home and practice!
Then this morning, I read a link on Momastery about an old man and an onion. It is a wonderful story and I encourage you to take a moment to read it. The lesson, sometimes being nice to people doesn't come back to you at that moment, but you know you did something kind. "You show you are a letter from Christ." (NPM) From Glennon, "People who believe badly still need love."
Application can make all of the difference. And that is what I need. I need to find a way to take the word of God with me and use it. My decision for now is to keep attending my church and couple it on Sunday's with lessons from NMP. Why should I rely on others to feed me spiritually. I need to find a way to do it myself. The solution isn't necessarily changing churches, because I could spend years finding a place that was perfect for me and still find things to complain about it. So how about I take pieces from all I know to be good? Pieces from my church, from blogs, from online sermons and patch-work it together for my faith journey. How about I make up my own hod-podge lessons and challenges each week? Challenge excepted. Let's do this.
What do I do with this? My husband is loyal to a fault, as am I. We aren't going anywhere. We have relationships with these people. We learn from their actions how to be more Christlike through works. The Presbyterians are the most service oriented religion I have ever seen. My problem is that their sermons pretty much explain biblical text. They recap the stories with some interpretation along the way. For me, I need a challenge. I need someone to read the word of God and say, here, this is how you take it out into the world. Can you do that? Here are ways to try.
A few weeks ago the pastor of the Presbyterian Student Center on campus came to speak at our church. Now that was a lesson. His sermon was entitled, "The Edge of Glory." He spoke on being pushed to the edge and how to push things to the edge. He spoke on integration at the university and how the PSC was one of the first places to welcome african americans. They pushed to the edge because they knew it was the right thing to do, regardless of the backlash they may have received from the masses. He asked what we do to push things in our own lives. It made me think and try to figure out how to make it applicable for me. Yay! Something to take home!
After the talk I had with my husband yesterday, a friend of mine posted a link on FB to North Point Ministries sermon that morning (a mega church I am afraid of because, well, it's a mega church). But I watched the link and it was an amazing lesson on encouragement vs criticism. It was based on Proverbs 11:25 :When you replenish others you will be replenished..." This is a huge insight from Solomon. The challenge for us to take home: be mindful of how many words of encouragement you use in a conversation, when you start to criticize, stop yourself. Change the 1:6 ratio of encouragement to criticism in the average conversation. A message I can take home and practice!
Then this morning, I read a link on Momastery about an old man and an onion. It is a wonderful story and I encourage you to take a moment to read it. The lesson, sometimes being nice to people doesn't come back to you at that moment, but you know you did something kind. "You show you are a letter from Christ." (NPM) From Glennon, "People who believe badly still need love."
Application can make all of the difference. And that is what I need. I need to find a way to take the word of God with me and use it. My decision for now is to keep attending my church and couple it on Sunday's with lessons from NMP. Why should I rely on others to feed me spiritually. I need to find a way to do it myself. The solution isn't necessarily changing churches, because I could spend years finding a place that was perfect for me and still find things to complain about it. So how about I take pieces from all I know to be good? Pieces from my church, from blogs, from online sermons and patch-work it together for my faith journey. How about I make up my own hod-podge lessons and challenges each week? Challenge excepted. Let's do this.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
The Flu
My 6 year old has the flu. He played one heck of a basketball game on Saturday and spiked a temperature a few hours later. I only caught it because I made him hug me. A momma knows her baby's temperature. My boy was hot. So, no Lentspiration for me the past few days. I felt guilty, then I recalled my previous post about failing Lent. Our lesson at church this past Sunday was of the same sentiment. I wish I could remember the closing because it spoke to me, however, the link isn't up yet and my memory isn't what it used to be.
While I was distracted by my son's flu and also stressing about my daughter's first speech therapy visit, there was what I consider to be a tragedy in my small town. Last year, a little girl in Athens, Kajal Patel, inspired a community wide marrow drive to find a bone marrow treatment to cure an immune disorder she had. In April 2012, a match was found. However, in the months proceeding the discovery, Kajal was in too bad of health to undergo the transfer. I heard just yesterday, that the donor backed out, and her brother, who was not a perfect match (and I believe is only 10 years old) became her donor. Monday night, I found out that Kajal passed. I cried as my husband held me and I felt pain for her and her parents, the life she missed out on, and her friends- not even teenagers yet- having to cope with this kind of loss.
I am sad and sickened. Sad that any parent has to undergo the loss of a child, especially one so young. Sad that the perfect donor match backed out and her little brother had to step up. What if the perfect match made all of the difference? I am sickened that children have to die. I feel overwhelmed with grief by this coupled with the Sandy Hook tragedy. With both, I have gotten angry with God. My Sunday School teacher /Associate Pastor says that lamenting is okay, even if it feels wrong. In her sermon Sunday (I remember this part!) she pointed out that there are 150 Pslams and that 65-67 are lament psalms.
I don't like being angry with God. I feel guilty about it. But there is no hiding what you feel from the one who knows your thoughts. At least my anger comes from a place of honesty. At least God knows it is brought on by compassion for one or many of his children. At least I am a believer who will get over the hurt and realize that God knows more than we do. To quote from Joy in this Journey, "We have lost the language in lament in today's church, partially because we have come to believe that a belief in sovereignty makes it wrong to complain to God." Additionally, I love Joy's quote from Dr. Christopher Wright, "You have to pour out your true feelings before God, feelings that include anger, disbelief, incomprehension, and the sheet pain of too many contractions. Only then can I come back to praise God with integrity. Praise does not eliminate or override all such emotions. Rather, it is the safe framework of total acknowledgment of God and utter dependence on him within which they can be given their full expression. "
I lament today as I look at my own children. I know how lucky I am to have them: flu and a hearing loss are nothing compared to the death of a child. I am angry for those who cannot hold their children today. I truly believe it is okay. God knows I still love him. Today's Lenten lesson for me is to be more honest with God. To not try to push down feelings for fear he will strike back at me, he knows my heart and it isn't rebellious, it is just sad.
While I was distracted by my son's flu and also stressing about my daughter's first speech therapy visit, there was what I consider to be a tragedy in my small town. Last year, a little girl in Athens, Kajal Patel, inspired a community wide marrow drive to find a bone marrow treatment to cure an immune disorder she had. In April 2012, a match was found. However, in the months proceeding the discovery, Kajal was in too bad of health to undergo the transfer. I heard just yesterday, that the donor backed out, and her brother, who was not a perfect match (and I believe is only 10 years old) became her donor. Monday night, I found out that Kajal passed. I cried as my husband held me and I felt pain for her and her parents, the life she missed out on, and her friends- not even teenagers yet- having to cope with this kind of loss.
I am sad and sickened. Sad that any parent has to undergo the loss of a child, especially one so young. Sad that the perfect donor match backed out and her little brother had to step up. What if the perfect match made all of the difference? I am sickened that children have to die. I feel overwhelmed with grief by this coupled with the Sandy Hook tragedy. With both, I have gotten angry with God. My Sunday School teacher /Associate Pastor says that lamenting is okay, even if it feels wrong. In her sermon Sunday (I remember this part!) she pointed out that there are 150 Pslams and that 65-67 are lament psalms.
I don't like being angry with God. I feel guilty about it. But there is no hiding what you feel from the one who knows your thoughts. At least my anger comes from a place of honesty. At least God knows it is brought on by compassion for one or many of his children. At least I am a believer who will get over the hurt and realize that God knows more than we do. To quote from Joy in this Journey, "We have lost the language in lament in today's church, partially because we have come to believe that a belief in sovereignty makes it wrong to complain to God." Additionally, I love Joy's quote from Dr. Christopher Wright, "You have to pour out your true feelings before God, feelings that include anger, disbelief, incomprehension, and the sheet pain of too many contractions. Only then can I come back to praise God with integrity. Praise does not eliminate or override all such emotions. Rather, it is the safe framework of total acknowledgment of God and utter dependence on him within which they can be given their full expression. "
I lament today as I look at my own children. I know how lucky I am to have them: flu and a hearing loss are nothing compared to the death of a child. I am angry for those who cannot hold their children today. I truly believe it is okay. God knows I still love him. Today's Lenten lesson for me is to be more honest with God. To not try to push down feelings for fear he will strike back at me, he knows my heart and it isn't rebellious, it is just sad.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Learning from Children
This morning was nasty. It was that kind of misty mess where you feel like it is raining into fog. I dreaded getting my kids dressed and driving them to school in it, I hate driving in the rain. I dropped my son off at his elementary school and then my 20mo old at her daycare. That is when she taught me a lesson.
I pulled up in the parking lot and pulled my raincoat over my head so my laboriously straightened hair wouldn't kink up. I looked around and decided that we didn't need an umbrella since the entrance to the building was only a few feet away. When I got my baby girl out of the car, she felt the first few drops of rain and smiled. She can't talk, as previously discussed, but her sounds were of bliss. Her smile was so honest. She was happy in the rain. The drops hitting her tiny, perfect nose as she looked up into the sky. My heart smiled and I felt that pure, swelling, inner happiness only a parent can understand.
Cut to my lunch hour when I went to the gym. I almost didn't go because again I didn't want to drive in the rain. On my way back to work, I had the radio off practicing being still and listening. It was then that I thought of my baby girl and her smile. Sometimes the smallest moment can have a huge impact on your spirit. My child found happiness in a moment I found annoying. Perspective. Optimism. We can find good things in the bad. After that, I smiled the rest of the way back to work. My mood lifted.
A long time ago I went to a seminar where we were asked to list 5 things we did not like about our appearance. That was easy. Then we were asked to write down 5 things we liked about our appearance. That one was much harder. So in a day that is dreary and gross, I am going to write down the positive things I can see in today. Find the good, and find God.
1. Rain makes you feel alive. My baby girl felt it. Lift your face up and feel the rush.
2. The rain hitting our roof this morning sounded serene. Rain reminds us that God is up there. Imagine the power. HE CAN MAKE RAIN!
3. I saw bad drivers today, but I also saw courteous ones. Good people are out there, look for them. Let them inspire you.
4. My children smiled and kissed me this morning. I am helping mold them into little people. My son is a funny, sarcastic child with a good heart. I helped develop that.
5. My husband sat with me this morning. I have a perfect partner on my journey through life.
6. It's Friday and I got to wear blue jeans to work. I love the feel of American Eagle blue jeans. I am glad I had enough money to buy them years ago so I can enjoy them today.
7. I had a Trefoil for breakfast. <3 Girl Scout Cookies.
8. I work with one of the best people in the world, Wendi. She's amazing.
9. My boss pretended to hit my head with a stack of papers today. I am glad that today he felt like he could kid around with me.
10. I have had the pleasure of being around some fantastic people today at work & the gym: Wendi, Deanna, Teena, Matt, Trey, Tania, & Teresa. You all have made today better. I hope I made yours better in return.
I pulled up in the parking lot and pulled my raincoat over my head so my laboriously straightened hair wouldn't kink up. I looked around and decided that we didn't need an umbrella since the entrance to the building was only a few feet away. When I got my baby girl out of the car, she felt the first few drops of rain and smiled. She can't talk, as previously discussed, but her sounds were of bliss. Her smile was so honest. She was happy in the rain. The drops hitting her tiny, perfect nose as she looked up into the sky. My heart smiled and I felt that pure, swelling, inner happiness only a parent can understand.
Cut to my lunch hour when I went to the gym. I almost didn't go because again I didn't want to drive in the rain. On my way back to work, I had the radio off practicing being still and listening. It was then that I thought of my baby girl and her smile. Sometimes the smallest moment can have a huge impact on your spirit. My child found happiness in a moment I found annoying. Perspective. Optimism. We can find good things in the bad. After that, I smiled the rest of the way back to work. My mood lifted.
A long time ago I went to a seminar where we were asked to list 5 things we did not like about our appearance. That was easy. Then we were asked to write down 5 things we liked about our appearance. That one was much harder. So in a day that is dreary and gross, I am going to write down the positive things I can see in today. Find the good, and find God.
1. Rain makes you feel alive. My baby girl felt it. Lift your face up and feel the rush.
2. The rain hitting our roof this morning sounded serene. Rain reminds us that God is up there. Imagine the power. HE CAN MAKE RAIN!
3. I saw bad drivers today, but I also saw courteous ones. Good people are out there, look for them. Let them inspire you.
4. My children smiled and kissed me this morning. I am helping mold them into little people. My son is a funny, sarcastic child with a good heart. I helped develop that.
5. My husband sat with me this morning. I have a perfect partner on my journey through life.
6. It's Friday and I got to wear blue jeans to work. I love the feel of American Eagle blue jeans. I am glad I had enough money to buy them years ago so I can enjoy them today.
7. I had a Trefoil for breakfast. <3 Girl Scout Cookies.
8. I work with one of the best people in the world, Wendi. She's amazing.
9. My boss pretended to hit my head with a stack of papers today. I am glad that today he felt like he could kid around with me.
10. I have had the pleasure of being around some fantastic people today at work & the gym: Wendi, Deanna, Teena, Matt, Trey, Tania, & Teresa. You all have made today better. I hope I made yours better in return.
True Friends Strengthen and Help Each Other
Ecclesiastes 4:9–12
Two people are better off than one,
for they can help each other succeed.
If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.
But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm.
But how can one be warm alone?
A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.
Three are even better,
for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (NLT)
Ecclesiastes 4:9–12
Two people are better off than one,
for they can help each other succeed.
If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.
But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm.
But how can one be warm alone?
A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.
Three are even better,
for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (NLT)
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Be Still...Shhhh
Sometimes irony floors me. Last week in Sunday School we were discussing Abram and Sarai and how Abram made her pretend to be his sister once they entered into Egypt because he was scared the Egyptians would kill him if they knew she was his wife. The question came up as to why Abram didn't trust God. After all, God told Abram not to worry and that his children would populate the earth. It made me ask, how did God speak to Abram?
My mother says that God spoke literally in the Old Testament, but not in the New because there was Jesus. I don't know what I think. Living in the time that we do now, I always assumed God's voice was our conscious, but we doubt that often. How do we know Abram didn't have to read signs from the Lord like we try to do today? Maybe it wasn't that he didn't trust God, maybe he just didn't hear him clearly.
Here is where the irony comes in. I left Sunday School to hear a sermon by our preacher in which he repeated over and over again, Lent is for listening. I am trying to listen. I am turning off the radio when I am in the car alone. I am trying to pray with more vigor and more encompassing. I want to talk to God, I want him to hear me. I want to hear him. But how do I know I am interpreting things correctly?
One of the most powerful phrases in the Bible to me is from Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." Be still and listen. That is what I am trying to do this Lenten season. God, where are you in my life today? I am looking in the small things. I am searching in the big things. I am listening in the wind. Please help me to hear you and discern your path for me.
Here is a link to my pastor's sermon. I hope you will take time to read it, but if not, I am going to close on the most poignant part for me.
My mother says that God spoke literally in the Old Testament, but not in the New because there was Jesus. I don't know what I think. Living in the time that we do now, I always assumed God's voice was our conscious, but we doubt that often. How do we know Abram didn't have to read signs from the Lord like we try to do today? Maybe it wasn't that he didn't trust God, maybe he just didn't hear him clearly.
Here is where the irony comes in. I left Sunday School to hear a sermon by our preacher in which he repeated over and over again, Lent is for listening. I am trying to listen. I am turning off the radio when I am in the car alone. I am trying to pray with more vigor and more encompassing. I want to talk to God, I want him to hear me. I want to hear him. But how do I know I am interpreting things correctly?
One of the most powerful phrases in the Bible to me is from Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." Be still and listen. That is what I am trying to do this Lenten season. God, where are you in my life today? I am looking in the small things. I am searching in the big things. I am listening in the wind. Please help me to hear you and discern your path for me.
Here is a link to my pastor's sermon. I hope you will take time to read it, but if not, I am going to close on the most poignant part for me.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
The End
As you know, I struggle with career decisions, or a lack thereof. I like safety. Last year when I started Lentspiration, I spent at least one blog entry -and probably more- trying to heal myself of measuring my self-worth based on my job. I am still struggling with that. I want my self worth to be based on the kind of person I am, not what kind of work I do. The solution I am going to try for this year is to "fake it till I make it." They say if you act happy you will become happy. Last year I posted this in my 10 commandments, see #7.
1. Breathe.
2. Accept what cannot be changed.
3. Remember the big picture.
4. Be in the moment.
5. Sing and dance. Always.
6. Recognize my patterns.
7. Act the way I want to feel, not the way I feel.
8. Take time for myself.
9. Live how I want to be remembered for living.
10. LOVE.
11. Be aware of the Love Language of my family members and show them the love in ways they understand.
2. Accept what cannot be changed.
3. Remember the big picture.
4. Be in the moment.
5. Sing and dance. Always.
6. Recognize my patterns.
7. Act the way I want to feel, not the way I feel.
8. Take time for myself.
9. Live how I want to be remembered for living.
10. LOVE.
11. Be aware of the Love Language of my family members and show them the love in ways they understand.
COMMENTS5 Top Regrets People Have At the End of Their Lives
February 15, 2013 |
There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.
Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.
Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."
Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Lent: What if I fail?
The hardest part about Lentspiration is discipline. For some reason, I find it difficult to sit down every day and share what I have experienced, shared, or learned about God every. single. day. It embarrasses me. It isn't like it takes half a day to do a blog entry. In fact, I would say 15 minutes tops. Well then, what holds me back?
Sometimes it is pure laziness. Sometimes it is because I feel like I cannot convey what is in my head. For instance, I have a journal entry from last Friday just sitting in my files. It discusses finding out that our baby girl's hearing has improved, and even though she has hearing loss she will not need hearing aids, just speech therapy. I cannot get through that entry because it is hard to share the range of emotions that I am feeling about God, our healing, and the intense emotions that I have over the children of other's that haven't been healed. The kids that still need hearing aids or cochlear implants. The ones whose only language will be sign language.
So even if I am not typing an entry, I am constantly thinking of Lent. What it means, and did I do what I set out to do each day. Here is an article I read today from the Presbyterian Mission Agency about Lent and how it equips us to spread the love of Jesus Christ. Enjoy.
Ready for the Race
Sometimes it is pure laziness. Sometimes it is because I feel like I cannot convey what is in my head. For instance, I have a journal entry from last Friday just sitting in my files. It discusses finding out that our baby girl's hearing has improved, and even though she has hearing loss she will not need hearing aids, just speech therapy. I cannot get through that entry because it is hard to share the range of emotions that I am feeling about God, our healing, and the intense emotions that I have over the children of other's that haven't been healed. The kids that still need hearing aids or cochlear implants. The ones whose only language will be sign language.
So even if I am not typing an entry, I am constantly thinking of Lent. What it means, and did I do what I set out to do each day. Here is an article I read today from the Presbyterian Mission Agency about Lent and how it equips us to spread the love of Jesus Christ. Enjoy.
Ready for the Race
Ready for the race
Spiritual practices equip us to join Jesus in his mission to transform the world.
By Chip Hardwick
Photo courtesy of istock.com/ RichVintage
Fasting. Reading the Scriptures. Praying. Keeping the Sabbath. These are a few of the spiritual practices or disciplines that Christians have pursued over the centuries in order to have a more vibrant faith in Christ.
Many of these practices are as old as the faith of the Israelites, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy to do. Some time ago, in the adult Bible study I was leading, someone asked why we don’t engage in these spiritual practices as consistently as we think we should. Here are some of the answers the folks in the Bible study gave:
- It’s so hard to know how to pray.
- When we start reading Scripture for the first time, we’re like, “What??!?”
- We may confess our sins, but the same old sins come around again and again.
- It’s so easy to tune out during worship when the sermons get boring. (I tried not to take this comment personally.)
- Fasting gives us headaches.
Any of us could probably add items to this list. One of my own hesitations about spiritual practices comes when I read Scripture passages like Isaiah 58:1–12 and Matthew 23:23–24. In verse 6 of the Isaiah passage, God takes the Israelites to task for their insincere fasting, admonishing them, “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?” (New International Version). In Matthew, Jesus complains about the Pharisees’ inadequate tithe. Such passages reinforce my feeling that if I don’t get these disciplines right, it might be better not to pursue them at all.
For many of us, spiritual disciplines already have two strikes against them: they are difficult to initiate, and they have a certain risky aspect to them. If we take another swing at putting them into practice, we risk striking out. Still, there are good reasons to go ahead and swing the bat.
A MEANS TO AN END
A Journey with a purpose: Spiritual practices are a means to an end, not the end itself. They help us to accomplish something that is much more important—to live a life of mission.. Photo courtesy of istock.com/Adventure_Photo
Spiritual practices become more meaningful when we recognize the difference between the means (how to accomplish a goal) and the end (the goal itself). Here’s an illustration: Every year, around May or June, I start preparing for the Peachtree Road Race, a 10K run on the Fourth of July in Atlanta. I start exercising more: I hop on my bike; I hit the gym; I pound the pavement.
Now, I like doing all of these exercises, some more than others. But I don’t start exercising more because I enjoy it. Nope—I do it because I know that the Peachtree Road Race is a challenge. Sometimes there is 90 percent humidity on race-day morning, and you’ve sweated through your shirt before you even get to the starting line. (Did I mention that it’s in Atlanta in July?) Plus, six miles is six miles. I need to get in shape, and that means I need to exercise. All those hours spent exercising aren’t an end in themselves—they’re the way to get ready for the race.
John Ortberg, pastor of Menlo Park (CA) Presbyterian Church, connects physical workouts to spiritual practices in his book The Life You’ve Always Wanted. “Spiritual disciplines are what calisthenics are to a game,” he writes. “Once the game starts, basketball players get no bonus points based on how many free throws they shot in practice. The only reason to practice them is to be able to make them in a game.”
Spiritual practices are a means to an end, not the end itself. They help us accomplish something else, something that is much more important than simply being able to say that we have read all the way through the Bible or that we have written in our prayer journals every day. So what’s the something else? What end are we working toward when we do these practices?
When we participate in these spiritual disciplines, our goal is that God would use them to strengthen us to live a life of mission. We are preparing ourselves to join Jesus in his mission to transform the world through sacrificial love. We worship, we read theological materials, we give something up for Lent in order to equip ourselves to extend God’s blessing to others, so that others would experience more of the life God wants for them.
The reason God is so combative with the Israelites in Isaiah 58 is that they have forgotten the true purpose of their fasting. Likewise, Jesus scolds the Pharisees in the Matthew 23 passage for not recognizing that disciplines such as tithing are not ends in themselves but the means toward living a life of mission.
The amazing thing is that when we take part in these disciplines as a means to bless others, we get blessed too. In Isaiah 58:11, the prophet assures the Israelites who faithfully practice the spiritual disciplines, “The Lord will guide you . . . and satisfy your needs . . . ; and you shall be like a watered garden.”
A DANCE OF BLESSING
Photo courtesy of istock.com/Photomorphic.
Spiritual practices are a means of equipping us to lead a life of mission that extends God’s blessing to others. Spiritual practices are also a means by which God blesses us.
The relationship of means to ends looks something like a three-partner dance. Unlike the traditional two-partner dance, in which one person takes the lead, in this dance all three partners—spiritual practices, God’s blessing of us, and our blessing of others—take turns leading:
1) Sometimes we undertake spiritual practices in order to bless others, and then God blesses us. Maybe we give up a meal for Lent, for example, and give the money we would have spent to a food bank, and then God blesses us with the knowledge that others will live a more abundant life.
2) Other times, we experience God’s blessing of us and feel the divine presence in real and tangible ways. This mountaintop experience leads us to pray and thank God with more regularity. Those prayers, in turn, open our eyes to others’ needs, leading us to bless others by serving them.
3) Then again, our blessing of others—by serving them on a mission trip, for example, or through a ministry closer to home—brings the joy that comes from taking part in God’s mission to transform the world. This, in turn, inspires us to be more faithful in our prayer life or more sacrificial in our giving. Or we find that our blessing of others makes our spiritual practices (worship, prayer, Scripture reading) more meaningful, so that they become a channel of God’s blessings of forgiveness, love, and peace.
No matter which partner takes the lead, spiritual practices play a key role in this dance of blessing, opening us to God’s blessing and enabling us to extend the blessing to others. We don’t take part in these disciplines simply to check them off a list or to feel better about ourselves. The purpose of spiritual practices is to equip us for a life of mission, in which we are a blessing to others. And along the way, God blesses us, too.
Now, let the dancing begin!
Chip Hardwick is director of Theology, Worship, and Education for the Presbyterian Mission Agency of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.).
Learn more about spiritual practices
BOOKS
Spiritual practices are a means of equipping us to lead a life of mission that extends God’s blessing to others. Spiritual practices are also a means by which God blesses us.
Living into Community: Cultivating Practices that Sustain Us, by Christine Pohl (Eerdmans, 2011). Explores four Christian practices—gratitude, promise keeping, truth telling, and hospitality—that build vibrant communities of faith.
Sabbath in the Suburbs: A Family’s Experiment with Holy Time, by MaryAnn McKibben Dana (Chalice Press, 2012). The author, a Presbyterian minister and former columnist for Presbyterians Today, describes her family’s yearlong quest to embrace the discipline of Sabbath keeping.
Soul Feast: An Invitation to the Christian Spiritual Life, by Marjorie J. Thompson (Westminster John Knox Press, 2005). First published in 1995 and still a bestseller, this book is a classic introduction to spiritual practices.
Joy Together: Spiritual Practices for Your Congregation, by Lynne M. Baab (Westminster John Knox Press, 2012). Thankfulness, fasting, and contemplative prayer are among the practices included in this exploration of the spiritual journey as a pilgrimage with others.
A Spirituality of Service, by Jerry Aaker (Pfeifer-Hamilton Publishers, 2012). The author, who worked for Lutheran World Relief, Heifer International, and similar organizations for more than 40 years, reflects on how service among the world’s poor has shaped his faith and spiritual practices.
ONLINE RESOURCES
Spiritual formation for Presbyterians (practices, definitions, frequently asked questions, and resources, including the Spiritual Formation Leaders Network).
The Company of Pastors, a program for pastors and other congregational leaders that helps nurture habits of daily prayer and Scripture reading and regular theological reflection.
Practicing Our Faith, resources and spiritual practices from a wide range of Christian traditions.
Renovaré, an organization founded by Richard J. Foster, author of Celebration of Discipline, offering resources on intentional living through Christian spiritual formation and discipleship.
Examen, a one-page guide to prayerful reflection on the events of the day in
order to detect God’s presence, a practice that dates back to the 16th-century
St. Ignatius of Loyola.
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