Day 7- The Truth Can Set You Free

Switching back to TLL today, page 103 brings us to a police officer pulling Pausch over for speeding. Pausch and his wife moved to Virginia so she could be near family after his passing. The cop looks skeptically at Pausch as he comments on how he doesn't look sick. Pausch then pulls up his shirt and shows him the surgical scars. He doesn't get a ticket, just a warning.

I am not sure what this chapter is doing in this book. It is reminiscent to me of the Nikki and Paulo episode of Lost. What I think I will take from this chapter is that things are not always what they seem on the surface. We never know what someone else is going through.

I have learned through the years that often how someone acts towards you is a reaction to what is going on in their life. Things that look perfect on the outside can be flawed on the inside. I saw today a picture on Pinterest with a saying, "Maybe you should eat makeup so you can be pretty on the inside." Our insides are sometimes inexplicable to others.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was having a major bout with nausea on my way home from work one day. I was driving gingerly and pulling slowly into McDonald's (for the cureall, french fries) and the person behind me started blowing their horn and waving lovely gestures at me. It upset me so much because I was functioning and doing my best. I wanted to throw up on that cat.

-God, please help me to be more understanding and to not take everything personal. I know people are going through things and have their own demons they are fighting. Help me to fight my own without taking it out on others. Amen.

Day 6- Superachievers

Before beginning today's reflection, I want to say a word on why I am doing this blog.

A co-worker of mine commented yesterday that the two books I have chosen to use during this time are not religious and that perhaps I should be reading the Bible instead during Lent. Let me be frank, I have read the Bible and it is not what I am looking for. I don't mean that in any sacrilegious way: what I mean is that I want something I don't have to interpret as much. The Bible is a confusing animal, look at all of the various religious sects and interpretations of scripture that have spun from it. I am not looking to go there. I am looking for simple messages that I can use daily to live a happier and less stressful life. I believe that in doing that, I am showing appreciation to God for the things I do have.

Second, why the blog? Why not a personal journal? For me, the blog is about accountability. If I had a personal journal it would still be sitting on my nightstand blank. A blog is a way for me to make myself focus every day. By putting "Day__" in my subject, I am forcing myself to keep up. It would embarrass me to fall short on this.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Today's practice is from DSTSS and letting go of the idea that gentle, relaxed people cannot be super-achievers. I just read this, so forgive me while I free-flow my thoughts.

For me, this one is a tough pill to swallow. My gut is telling me that you have to be a go-go-go person in order to get things done. So now, I am sitting her thinking of laid back people that I know and whether or not they are achievers. Two co-workers come to mind immediately. One is laid back, slow moving, and never gets in a hurry. We will call her Jody. The second is a hipster chick who really doesn't get her feathers ruffled-ever. If things mess up, they mess up. She goes home to her little happy family and that is what's important. We will call her Polly (as in Polly Sunshine).

I am the polar opposite of these two, I am high strung and go-go-go all the time. However, it really hasn't benefitted my life. Both Jody and Polly hold positions that are similar to mine: I am no better off than them as a result of my hurried and competitive nature. However, we have a major difference in attitude. The difference is that they seem to enjoy life while I walk through it anxious and stressed. My frantic thinking does take an enormous amount of energy.

So what will I take from today's lesson? To relax. To breathe. To not get so worked up. The world will not end if I chill out. I can still be successful- maybe more-so professionally -if I wouldn't worry about it so much. Perhaps my Master's degree is currently going to waste, but big deal. I work in a wonderful office with at least two people who I consider to be my best friends (one is Jody). I also have a mentor in my office who I think of as my substitute dad. And another friend who would bail me out if I got into financial trouble. These people are blessings. Relax, Heather. Relax.

-As I pray today, I want to thank you, God, for the people I have in my life. I want to thank you for this workplace you have brought me to. Please help me to not be so anxious about the lack of clout in my position. Please help me to relax and not be so uptight in it. Please allow my energy to be a positive contribution to these people who I love. Let me learn to relax more in all aspects of life and realize that achievement isn't measured by job titles and bank accounts. Amen.

Day 5- Make Peace with Imperfection

Today's Lentspiration comes from DSTSS. I love this book so much because usually each chapter is around 2-3 pages and I can sneak in a whole Lentspiration before the kids interrupt me. This morning, I was able to get myself, a five year old, and an 8 month old ready to go and still get a moment to read.

In Chapter 2, I learned that the need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other. Preach. *raises hand* I often lose myself to examining the imperfections in my life and being overly focussed on what is wrong instead of what is right. Carlson says we need to catch ourselves before our minds start to meander down the path of negativity. Remind yourself that life is okay and to see perfection in life the way it is.

This is such a hard lesson for me. I often sit at my desk and reflect back on decisions I have made in life and how things might have turned out "If I had only..." The hardest one for me to swallow is a Disney College Program acceptance I turned down because my boyfriend didn't get in. I might be an Imagineer instead of a glorified secretary. But see, there I go! I try to stop my mind from doing that and to look at what I do have, but it is really hard.

When I was growing up, one of my favorite movies was Mr. Destiny . In it, James Belushi's character finds out what would have happened if he had made a home run as a teenager instead of striking out like he did in reality. I remember watching Belushi yearn for his wife- who isn't his wife anymore in the alternate reality. His kids are no longer his because they were never made (right!) and he finds out that what he really had in life was all that he ever wanted, and that the home run would have given him riches and a job with stature, but he hated his life without the people he loved in it.

It is funny how things we love as a child reflect on our inner feelings and sentiments that we don't realize as an adult. I haven't thought about Mr. Destiny in years, but now I have, and I plan on remembering that lesson.

There are many things I wanted to be growing up at various times: a lawyer, an astronaut, a teacher, a doctor, a Disney Cast Member. But consistently, I always wanted to be a wife and a mother - and I am. I achieved my big dreams. My life is only imperfect if I make it that way.

-God, May I always be thankful for what I have today. I should always remember that the plans you have for me can be greater than the ones I have for myself. I pray that I learn to accept decisions I have made in the past because they have led me to the loving people I have in my present. Amen.

Day 4- Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

On day 3 I reflected on Jai Pausch and a realization to live in the moment. During her husband's last days, Jai Pausch also made a concerted effort to overlook little stuff. Little stuff for her meant thinks like her husband leaving clothes in the floor. She actually kept a journal so she could log in annoying things her husband did instead of nagging him. I know my husband wishes I would do this.

As I bounce back and forth during Lentspiration between DSTSS and TLL, coincidentally the first chapter (which is what I read this morning) is titled "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." I wonder if Jai read this book too :) The closing thought of this chapter is that if we get caught up in the small stuff in life- like someone cutting us off while we are driving- then we miss out on the beauty and magic of the world.

Today as small things annoy me, I am going to take them and push them to the side and try to instead fill that space with a positive thought. My husband may chew his fingernails and drive me crazy (which just happened), but after this journal entry I vow to let that go and instead let my mind be thankful that he has fingers to chew on. Those fingers hold my children's hand and put food on our table.

-Dear God, Help me to let the small stuff go. The small stuff brings me down on a daily basis. Small stuff is the kind of stuff I get obsessive compulsive about. Please help me to let these things go and look at the beauty around me instead: my husband's smile, my children's laughter, and the health of our family. Amen.

Day 3- Live in the Moment

When you have a husband dying of terminal illness, emotionally and psychologically it has to be one of the most challenging situations in life. Jai Pausch had to deal with knowing her husband was dying and she would be left as a sole parent to their three kids.

I can not imagine the pressure and sadness Jai must have experienced- and still experiences today. In her last days with Randy, she decided to live in the moment. Take vacations you have always wanted to take with the one you love.

As a parent of two small children, my husband and I often let out relationship fall to the side as we give baths, bottles, and attention to the kids. We both work full time and come home to find ourselves still at "work" once at home. We love our kids dearly and wouldn't trade them for anything, but by the time we get them both to bed (8 on a good night), it is time to crash. Crashing prevents us from spending much needed time together.

We have gone to therapy regarding how to make our relationship better, and it always comes down to time together. We must schedule in time for each other and keep our relationship grounded for without us, there is no family.

Currently, we are trying to nickel and dime our way to a 7th anniversary getaway to Disney. We will have to keep this a secret from our 5 year old, but we think this might be just what our relationship needs. I can only dream of walking into Disney and being able to go wild like a kid with my best friend in the whole world. Our decision to spend this money may not be the best one in a recession, but after neglecting each other for five years, I think it is time. If my dolly were diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, I want to know that we enjoyed each other to the fullest while we were together, and right now we aren't there yet.

So for today, I take the lesson of living in the moment.

-God, may I always be appreciative of this day and what it has to bring. May I sometimes make rash decisions and enjoy the spontaneity of life. I pray that my husband and I always remember the foundation of our relationship: friendship and love. Please don't let the world pull us apart. Amen.

Day 2- In Fifty Years it Never Came Up

Today I read Pausch's chapter about his memories of his dad. He recalls photos he found after his father died along with a bag containing various papers. At the bottom of that bag, he found a citation for his father (who served in WWII) for "heroic achievement." The citation said that heavy artillery fire from German forces led to 8 casualties and:

"With disregard for his own safety, Private Pausch leaped from a covered position and commenced treating the wounded men while shells continued to fall in the immediate vicinity. So successfully did this soldier administer medical attention that all the wounded were evacuated successfully."

Twenty-two year old daddy Pausch got the Bronze Star for valor. However, in the fifty years of his marriage and the life of his son, he never mentioned it. Randy states that weeks after his dad's death, he learned another lesson- the meaning of sacrifice and the power of humility.

Wow. Just wow. Who does that? Some might say that maybe daddy Pausch chose to not reveal this honor because soldiers sometimes do not like to reflect on battle. It is too painful for them. I prefer to think that he was just a humble man. That is the lesson I want to take from it as well, Dr. Pausch.

I am a person who constantly needs reassurance that I am good enough. One of the ways I filled this void growing up was by getting "A"'s in school. Nothing felt as good as seeing my name in the paper or getting that nod from my favorite teacher, even if it was fleeting. I would never be able to keep a Bronze Star a secret. It amazes me that someone else could. I interpret this as meaning daddy Pausch did not gage his self worth on accolades and honors. He didn't need that kind of recognition and praise. This is something I work on daily.

Sitting here reflecting, this chapter also makes me think of the late Whitney Houston. Following her death, a barrage of past interviews and feedback from friends and relatives gave the world a look into her private insecurities. We learned that one of our icons lacked self confidence and was constantly seeking approval from her mother, her family, her fans...everyone.

At her funeral, Kevin Costner reflected on a poignant story about how Whitney didn't feel she was good enough for the movie the Bodyguard. She doubted if she was pretty enough, if she could act good enough, if anyone would like her. Really?! She was perfect! She was beautiful! She sang like an angel! How could someone so amazing need approval from others?

Being happy with ourselves is a hard task. Who doesn't want to be liked? Who doesn't feel good when someone gives you recognition and praise? Not I, said the Little Red Hen.

-God, please help me to be humble. Help me to know that it isn't what others think of me or find impressive that matters, but what You think of me. Help me to use this wisdom to lead my life in the footsteps of Jesus and strive to make only You proud, and that I find contentment in this knowledge. Amen.

Day 1-New Year's Eve

I have been rereading the Last Lecture for a while, as a matter of fact, I am on page 93. I decided not to start over for this project, as I want all of my thoughts to be fresh and new. I cannot remember the last time I read this book, but a quick Amazon look will tell you that it was published in 2008 and as of today it is still ranked #294 according to Amazon's Best Sellers ranking. Four years later and still at what I would consider the top of the charts with a database as big as Amazon's. That should tell you something.

The chapter I read today is called, "New Year's Eve." It recaps the birth of the Pausch's first child. Pausch's wife has a 'placenta abrupta' and as a result an emergency c-section. It is his job to coach her through and keep her from going into clinical shock, a state she is approaching. In the end, their 2 pound, 15 ounce baby boy made it. But what I want to take from the story is this reflection by Pausch:

"Dylan's birth was a reminder to me of the roles we play in our destinies. Jai and I could have made things worse by falling to pieces...I don't think we ever said, 'this isn't fair.' We just kept going. We recognized that there were things we could do that might help the outcome in positive ways and we did them."

Today, I will think of how my approach to situations can be different, even for the little things. This morning my oatmeal overflowed in the microwave and my initial reaction was to cuss and get upset. Then I recalled today's reading and I said to myself, "Look, it is just oatmeal. Wipe up the mess and eat the good part that is left. There is still plenty still in the bowl and your kids are alive and healthy. A mess is no big deal."

-Thank you, God today for the life you have passed on through me, my beautiful children who light up my world. May I begin to remember the gifts I have, and not the lusts of my heart. Amen.

*For those who want to know, 'the lusts in my heart' I thought about as I typed were purses. I love a designer bag :)

What is Lentspiration?

Every year, I give up something for Lent. Usually it's cheese. For me, there is nothing harder to cut out than cheese - believe me, it is my achilles heel. This year, however, as I pondered what to give up, I realized that for me Lent has actually become more about self control regarding food than honoring God. Doesn't that defeat the purpose?

This year I am going to try something a little different. My natural disposition in life is that of a snarky pessimist. It suits me well most of the time, but lately I have been too much of a negative nelly. I have been blessed in so many ways: I have a secure job, a wonderful husband, two beautiful kids, and a safe home with a warm bed to crawl into every night. My problem is that I have become way to focused on the things I don't have, pretty much all related to money: the luxury of not living paycheck to paycheck, the fact that we cannot afford a family vacation, having to look at the checkbook before ordering pizza, living off canned soup for lunch while my friends eat out. It's time to refocus.

There are two books we keep on the back of our toilet in the guest bathroom (which in our house is the universal bathroom) Don't Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. Both inspirational, both filled with things with which I want to reprogram my mind. It hit me yesterday on Ash Wednesday, that this my Lent project for this year will not be a sacrifice, but an undertaking. I call it "Lentspiration." Yes, it is a silly name, but it encapsulates the sentiment I am looking for: an undertaking to look at the positive- the things I DO have- and to lose the anxiety and quit focusing on what I don't have.

Will my project work? I don't know. But I cannot wait for the end of the next 40 days to see. I hope you enjoy my journey with me.