The Flu

My 6 year old has the flu. He played one heck of a basketball game on Saturday and spiked a temperature a few hours later. I only caught it because I made him hug me. A momma knows her baby's temperature. My boy was hot.  So, no Lentspiration for me the past few days.  I felt guilty, then I recalled my previous post about failing Lent. Our lesson at church this past Sunday was of the same sentiment.  I wish I could remember the closing because it spoke to me, however, the link isn't up yet and my memory isn't what it used to be.

While I was distracted by my son's flu and also stressing about my daughter's first speech therapy visit, there was what I consider to be a tragedy in my small town. Last year, a little girl in Athens, Kajal Patel, inspired a community wide marrow drive to find a bone marrow treatment to cure an immune disorder she had.  In April 2012, a match was found. However, in the months proceeding the discovery, Kajal was in too bad of health to undergo the transfer.  I heard just yesterday, that the donor backed out, and her brother, who was not a perfect match (and I believe is only 10 years old) became her donor.  Monday night, I found out that Kajal passed. I cried as my husband held me and I felt pain for her and her parents, the life she missed out on, and her friends- not even teenagers yet- having to cope with this kind of loss.

I am sad and sickened. Sad that any parent has to undergo the loss of a child, especially one so young. Sad that the perfect donor match backed out and her little brother had to step up. What if the perfect match made all of the difference? I am sickened that children have to die.  I feel overwhelmed with grief by this coupled with the Sandy Hook tragedy.  With both, I have gotten angry with God. My Sunday School teacher /Associate Pastor says that lamenting is okay, even if it feels wrong. In her sermon Sunday (I remember this part!) she pointed out that there are 150 Pslams and that 65-67 are lament psalms.

I don't like being angry with God. I feel guilty about it. But there is no hiding what you feel from the one who knows your thoughts. At least my anger comes from a place of honesty. At least God knows it is brought on by compassion for one or many of his children.  At least I am a believer who will get over the hurt and realize that God knows more than we do. To quote from Joy in this Journey, "We have lost the language in lament in today's church, partially because we have come to believe that a belief in sovereignty makes it wrong to complain to God." Additionally, I love Joy's quote from Dr. Christopher Wright, "You have to pour out your true feelings before God, feelings that include anger, disbelief, incomprehension, and the sheet pain of too many contractions. Only then can I come back to praise God with integrity. Praise does not eliminate or override all such emotions. Rather, it is the safe framework of total acknowledgment of God and utter dependence on him within which they can be given their full expression. "

I lament today as I look at my own children. I know how lucky I am to have them: flu and a hearing loss are nothing compared to the death of a child. I am angry for those who cannot hold their children today. I truly believe it is okay. God knows I still love him.  Today's Lenten lesson for me is to be more honest with God. To not try to push down feelings for fear he will strike back at me, he knows my heart and it isn't rebellious, it is just sad.

Learning from Children

This morning was nasty. It was that kind of misty mess where you feel like it is raining into fog.  I dreaded getting my kids dressed and driving them to school in it, I hate driving in the rain. I dropped my son off at his elementary school and then my 20mo old at her daycare.  That is when she taught me a lesson.

I pulled up in the parking lot and pulled my raincoat over my head so my laboriously straightened hair wouldn't kink up.  I looked around and decided that we didn't need an umbrella since the entrance to the building was only a few feet away. When I got my baby girl out of the car, she felt the first few drops of rain and smiled. She can't talk, as previously discussed, but her sounds were of bliss.  Her smile was so honest. She was happy in the rain. The drops hitting her tiny, perfect nose as she looked up into the sky. My heart smiled and I felt that pure, swelling, inner happiness only a parent can understand.

Cut to my lunch hour when I went to the gym. I almost didn't go because again I didn't want to drive in the rain.  On my way back to work, I had the radio off practicing being still and listening.  It was then that I thought of my baby girl and her smile.  Sometimes the smallest moment can have a huge impact on your spirit. My child found happiness in a moment I found annoying.  Perspective.   Optimism.  We can find good things in the bad. After that, I smiled the rest of the way back to work. My mood lifted.

A long time ago I went to a seminar where we were asked to list 5 things we did not like about our appearance. That was easy. Then we were asked to write down 5 things we liked about our appearance. That one was much harder.  So in a day that is dreary and gross, I am going to write down the positive things I can see in today. Find the good, and find God.

1. Rain makes you feel alive. My baby girl felt it. Lift your face up and feel the rush.

2. The rain hitting our roof this morning sounded serene.  Rain reminds us that God is up there. Imagine the power. HE CAN MAKE RAIN!

3. I saw bad drivers today, but I also saw courteous ones.  Good people are out there, look for them. Let them inspire you.

4. My children smiled and kissed me this morning. I am helping mold them into little people. My son is a funny, sarcastic child with a good heart. I helped develop that.

5. My husband sat with me this morning. I have a perfect partner on my journey through life.

6. It's Friday and I got to wear blue jeans to work. I love the feel of American Eagle blue jeans. I am glad I had enough money to buy them years ago so I can enjoy them today.

7.  I had a Trefoil for breakfast. <3 Girl Scout Cookies.

8.  I work with one of the best people in the world, Wendi. She's amazing.

9.  My boss pretended to hit my head with a stack of papers today. I am glad that today he felt like he could kid around with me.

10.  I have had the pleasure of being around some fantastic people today at work & the gym: Wendi, Deanna, Teena, Matt, Trey, Tania, & Teresa. You all have made today better. I hope I made yours better in return.

True Friends Strengthen and Help Each Other 
Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 
Two people are better off than one, 
for they can help each other succeed. 
If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. 
But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 
Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. 
But how can one be warm alone? 
A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. 
Three are even better, 
for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (NLT)

Be Still...Shhhh

Sometimes irony floors me. Last week in Sunday School we were discussing Abram and Sarai and how Abram made her pretend to be his sister once they entered into Egypt because he was scared the Egyptians would kill him if they knew she was his wife. The question came up as to why Abram didn't trust God. After all, God told Abram not to worry and that his children would populate the earth.  It made me ask, how did God speak to Abram?

My mother says that God spoke literally in the Old Testament, but not in the New because there was Jesus.  I don't know what I think. Living in the time that we do now, I always assumed God's voice was our conscious, but we doubt that often. How do we know Abram didn't have to read signs from the Lord like we try to do today? Maybe it wasn't that he didn't trust God, maybe he just didn't hear him clearly.

Here is where the irony comes in.  I left Sunday School to hear a sermon by our preacher in which he repeated over and over again, Lent is for listening. I am trying to listen. I am turning off the radio when I am in the car alone. I am trying to pray with more vigor and more encompassing.  I want to talk to God, I want him to hear me. I want to hear him.  But how do I know I am interpreting things correctly?

One of the most powerful phrases in the Bible to me is from Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." Be still and listen. That is what I am trying to do this Lenten season. God, where are you in my life today? I am looking in the small things. I am searching in the big things. I am listening in the wind.  Please help me to hear you and discern your path for me.

Here is a link to my pastor's sermon. I hope you will take time to read it, but if not, I am going to close on the most poignant part for me.

The End

As you know, I struggle with career decisions, or a lack thereof.  I like safety. Last year when I started Lentspiration, I spent at least one blog entry -and probably more- trying to heal myself of measuring my self-worth based on my job.  I am still struggling with that.  I want my self worth to be based on the kind of person I am, not what kind of work I do.   The solution I am going to try for this year is to "fake it till I make it."  They say if you act happy you will become happy. Last year I posted this in my 10 commandments, see #7. 

1. Breathe.
2. Accept what cannot be changed.
3. Remember the big picture.
4. Be in the moment.
5. Sing and dance. Always.
6. Recognize my patterns.
7. Act the way I want to feel, not the way I feel.
8. Take time for myself.
9. Live how I want to be remembered for living.
10. LOVE.
11. Be aware of the Love Language of my family members and show them the love in ways they understand.

Maybe I should focus on my life more than my job, after all, Jesus was a carpenter but HE WAS SO MUCH MORE. I will end with this article I read today. 

The Guardian / By Susie Steiner

 COMMENTS

5 Top Regrets People Have At the End of Their Lives

A palliative nurse has recorded the top five regrets of the dying.

February 15, 2013  |  

 

There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called  Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called  The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

Lent: What if I fail?

The hardest part about Lentspiration is discipline. For some reason, I find it difficult to sit down every day and share what I have experienced, shared, or learned about God every. single. day. It embarrasses me. It isn't like it takes half a day to do a blog entry.  In fact, I would say 15 minutes tops. Well then, what holds me back?

Sometimes it is pure laziness. Sometimes it is because I feel like I cannot convey what is in my head.  For instance, I have a journal entry from last Friday just sitting in my files. It discusses finding out that our baby girl's hearing has improved, and even though she has hearing loss she will not need hearing aids, just speech therapy.  I cannot get through that entry because it is hard to share the range of emotions that I am feeling about God, our healing, and the intense emotions that I have over the children of other's that haven't been healed. The kids that still need hearing aids or cochlear implants. The ones whose only language will be sign language.

So even if I am not typing an entry, I am constantly thinking of Lent. What it means, and did I do what I set out to do each day.  Here is an article I read today from the Presbyterian Mission Agency about Lent and how it equips us to spread the love of Jesus Christ. Enjoy.

Ready for the Race

Ready for the race

Spiritual practices equip us to join Jesus in his mission to transform the world.

By Chip Hardwick

Photo courtesy of istock.com/ RichVintage

Fasting. Reading the Scriptures. Praying. Keeping the Sabbath. These are a few of the spiritual practices or disciplines that Christians have pursued over the centuries in order to have a more vibrant faith in Christ.

Many of these practices are as old as the faith of the Israelites, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy to do. Some time ago, in the adult Bible study I was leading, someone asked why we don’t engage in these spiritual practices as consistently as we think we should. Here are some of the answers the folks in the Bible study gave:

• It’s so hard to know how to pray.
• When we start reading Scripture for the first time, we’re like, “What??!?”
• We may confess our sins, but the same old sins come around again and again. 
• It’s so easy to tune out during worship when the sermons get boring. (I tried not to take this comment personally.)
• Fasting gives us headaches.

Any of us could probably add items to this list. One of my own hesitations about spiritual practices comes when I read Scripture passages like Isaiah 58:1–12 and Matthew 23:23–24. In verse 6 of the Isaiah passage, God takes the Israelites to task for their insincere fasting, admonishing them, “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?” (New International Version). In Matthew, Jesus complains about the Pharisees’ inadequate tithe. Such passages reinforce my feeling that if I don’t get these disciplines right, it might be better not to pursue them at all.

For many of us, spiritual disciplines already have two strikes against them: they are difficult to initiate, and they have a certain risky aspect to them. If we take another swing at putting them into practice, we risk striking out. Still, there are good reasons to go ahead and swing the bat.

A MEANS TO AN END

A Journey with a purpose: Spiritual practices are a means to an end, not the end itself. They help us to accomplish something that is much more important—to live a life of mission.. Photo courtesy of istock.com/Adventure_Photo

Spiritual practices become more meaningful when we recognize the difference between the means (how to accomplish a goal) and the end (the goal itself). Here’s an illustration: Every year, around May or June, I start preparing for the Peachtree Road Race, a 10K run on the Fourth of July in Atlanta. I start exercising more: I hop on my bike; I hit the gym; I pound the pavement.

Now, I like doing all of these exercises, some more than others. But I don’t start exercising more because I enjoy it. Nope—I do it because I know that the Peachtree Road Race is a challenge. Sometimes there is 90 percent humidity on race-day morning, and you’ve sweated through your shirt before you even get to the starting line. (Did I mention that it’s in Atlanta in July?) Plus, six miles is six miles. I need to get in shape, and that means I need to exercise. All those hours spent exercising aren’t an end in themselves—they’re the way to get ready for the race.

John Ortberg, pastor of Menlo Park (CA) Presbyterian Church, connects physical workouts to spiritual practices in his book The Life You’ve Always Wanted. “Spiritual disciplines are what calisthenics are to a game,” he writes. “Once the game starts, basketball players get no bonus points based on how many free throws they shot in practice. The only reason to practice them is to be able to make them in a game.”

Spiritual practices are a means to an end, not the end itself. They help us accomplish something else, something that is much more important than simply being able to say that we have read all the way through the Bible or that we have written in our prayer journals every day. So what’s the something else? What end are we working toward when we do these practices?

When we participate in these spiritual disciplines, our goal is that God would use them to strengthen us to live a life of mission. We are preparing ourselves to join Jesus in his mission to transform the world through sacrificial love. We worship, we read theological materials, we give something up for Lent in order to equip ourselves to extend God’s blessing to others, so that others would experience more of the life God wants for them.

The reason God is so combative with the Israelites in Isaiah 58 is that they have forgotten the true purpose of their fasting. Likewise, Jesus scolds the Pharisees in the Matthew 23 passage for not recognizing that disciplines such as tithing are not ends in themselves but the means toward living a life of mission.

The amazing thing is that when we take part in these disciplines as a means to bless others, we get blessed too. In Isaiah 58:11, the prophet assures the Israelites who faithfully practice the spiritual disciplines, “The Lord will guide you . . . and satisfy your needs . . . ; and you shall be like a watered garden.”

A DANCE OF BLESSING

Photo courtesy of istock.com/Photomorphic.

Spiritual practices are a means of equipping us to lead a life of mission that extends God’s blessing to others. Spiritual practices are also a means by which God blesses us.

The relationship of means to ends looks something like a three-partner dance. Unlike the traditional two-partner dance, in which one person takes the lead, in this dance all three partners—spiritual practices, God’s blessing of us, and our blessing of others—take turns leading:

1) Sometimes we undertake spiritual practices in order to bless others, and then God blesses us. Maybe we give up a meal for Lent, for example, and give the money we would have spent to a food bank, and then God blesses us with the knowledge that others will live a more abundant life.

2) Other times, we experience God’s blessing of us and feel the divine presence in real and tangible ways. This mountaintop experience leads us to pray and thank God with more regularity. Those prayers, in turn, open our eyes to others’ needs, leading us to bless others by serving them.

3) Then again, our blessing of others—by serving them on a mission trip, for example, or through a ministry closer to home—brings the joy that comes from taking part in God’s mission to transform the world. This, in turn, inspires us to be more faithful in our prayer life or more sacrificial in our giving. Or we find that our blessing of others makes our spiritual practices (worship, prayer, Scripture reading) more meaningful, so that they become a channel of God’s blessings of forgiveness, love, and peace.

No matter which partner takes the lead, spiritual practices play a key role in this dance of blessing, opening us to God’s blessing and enabling us to extend the blessing to others. We don’t take part in these disciplines simply to check them off a list or to feel better about ourselves. The purpose of spiritual practices is to equip us for a life of mission, in which we are a blessing to others. And along the way, God blesses us, too.

Now, let the dancing begin!

Chip Hardwick is director of Theology, Worship, and Education for the Presbyterian Mission Agency of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.).

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Learn more about spiritual practices

BOOKS

Spiritual practices are a means of equipping us to lead a life of mission that extends God’s blessing to others. Spiritual practices are also a means by which God blesses us.

Living into Community: Cultivating Practices that Sustain Us, by Christine Pohl (Eerdmans, 2011). Explores four Christian practices—gratitude, promise keeping, truth telling, and hospitality—that build vibrant communities of faith.

Sabbath in the Suburbs: A Family’s Experiment with Holy Time, by MaryAnn McKibben Dana (Chalice Press, 2012). The author, a Presbyterian minister and former columnist for Presbyterians Today, describes her family’s yearlong quest to embrace the discipline of Sabbath keeping.

Soul Feast: An Invitation to the Christian Spiritual Life, by Marjorie J. Thompson (Westminster John Knox Press, 2005). First published in 1995 and still a bestseller, this book is a classic introduction to spiritual practices.

Joy Together: Spiritual Practices for Your Congregation, by Lynne M. Baab (Westminster John Knox Press, 2012). Thankfulness, fasting, and contemplative prayer are among the practices included in this exploration of the spiritual journey as a pilgrimage with others.

A Spirituality of Service, by Jerry Aaker (Pfeifer-Hamilton Publishers, 2012). The author, who worked for Lutheran World Relief, Heifer International, and similar organizations for more than 40 years, reflects on how service among the world’s poor has shaped his faith and spiritual practices.

ONLINE RESOURCES

Spiritual formation for Presbyterians (practices, definitions, frequently asked questions, and resources, including the Spiritual Formation Leaders Network).

The Company of Pastors, a program for pastors and other congregational leaders that helps nurture habits of daily prayer and Scripture reading and regular theological reflection.

Practicing Our Faith, resources and spiritual practices from a wide range of Christian traditions.

Renovaré, an organization founded by Richard J. Foster, author of Celebration of Discipline, offering resources on intentional living through Christian spiritual formation and discipleship.

Examen, a one-page guide to prayerful reflection on the events of the day in 
order to detect God’s presence, a practice that dates back to the 16th-century 
St. Ignatius of Loyola.

Sometimes We Should Read Silly Stories

I typically hate silly, pass-it-on stories that I get via email or see on FB. However, today I saw one and felt moved to read it in its entirety.  I love this point. My husband and I are constantly working on how to love each other in the proper way, the correct Love Language so to speak.  Just yesterday, my dolly told me that he has to learn to accept the things I do even if they are not done the way he would do them.  Let me present to you, the first FB lesson I have ever reposted:

When I was a kid, my Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed!

All my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that ugly burned biscuit. He ate every bite of that thing...never made a face nor uttered a word about it!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my Mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said, "Honey, I love burned biscuits every now and then."

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Mom put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides--a little burned biscuit never hurt anyone!"

As I've grown older, I've thought about that many times. Life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people.

I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults and choosing to celebrate each other’s differences is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today...that you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!

We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!

Lent 2013

Today is Ash Wednesday- side note, I want to put an "e" on the end and make that ashe classy.  My therapist taught me that it is too hard to play catch-up sometimes. Sometimes you need to just start where you are in life. What is bothering you today? What are your fears now? What are you praying for in this moment? So I am not going to bother filling in the experiences I have had since my last post, I am going to start with today. The here. The now. This moment.

Today, my almost 20 month old will have a 3rd hearing test to find out if she needs hearing aids in both ears.  This is frightening because: (1) My perfect baby isn't perfect, and kids will see this and tease her as she gets older. I won't let them break her. (2) As previously posted, I don't have a career where I am making bank. Hearing aids are not covered by insurance in the state of GA and they need to be replaced every 3-5 years. We will have to work harder than we have worked before on managing money. Hearing aids run $3000 per ear.

I try to always remember the passage in Matthew about worry & the birds: ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

I wish I could put this passage into practice. I have been reading it over and over again for years.  I feel like I am finally going to have to trust in this.  I pray that I can do it.  It is so hard for me because I wonder why God should take care of me? What makes me special? I see homeless people on the streets cold and hungry and I have to wonder if they have asked for help from God.  Is it all about interpretation? Maybe they do feel valuable and taken care of by God.

Today I will take my ashes at our church service. I will make a pledge to stop and listen to God at least once a day throughout this Lenten season. My goals will be as follows:

On a Daily Basis

1. Make a point to notice God's presence in my life. Where is he showing himself?

2. Record acts of kindness I experience. They remind us of the good in the world and that we are loved.

3. Show God's love to others by performing my own acts of kindess.

4. Praying every day for trust in the Lord and that I am valuable, and that I need not worry like I do.

I close with this excerpt from Momastery since you all know I am an avid reader and fan.  This first sentence is how I feel. I hope the second is true as well. It is just so hard to feel worthy.

"I am a crappy Christian, which I’m pretty sure is the only honest kind. Nonetheless, I’m deeply in love with Jesus, and I think he’s wild about my crazy self too."
Glennon Melton