Mandala Therapy

On our Women's Retreat a week ago, we were all asked to color our own personal mandala.  What is a mandala? A mandala is a circle that reminds us of the infinite- no end and no beginning. From the authority of all things (insert tongue in cheek) Wikipedia, a mandala is:

Mandala (Sanskrit: मण्डल Maṇḍala, 'circle') is a spiritual and ritual symbol in Hinduism and Buddhism, representing the Universe.^[1] The basic form of most mandalas is a square with four gates containing a circle with a center point. Each gate is in the general shape of a T.^[2][3] Mandalas often exhibit radial balance.^[4]

Our goal at the retreat was to let ourselves go when coloring our mandalas.  Listen to your mind and color what feels right. Color what is inside.  I had a therapist once who would give me a box of  crayons during therapy sessions and tell me to draw what I felt.  I loved her. Not only did drawing help me get my emotions out, it allowed me to see what was going on inside. When I was in turmoil- which was every time, hence therapy- the colors were always reds and blacks. Sometimes some burnt orange.  Lots of tornado shapes or eyes with dark circles under them.

At the retreat, I was obviously in a period of reflection, so I drew what made me happy. The focus was of course my family. When drawing them the colors become much brighter: blues, yellows, greens. No red or purple, nothing striking.  Just serene, cool colors.

This past week I have tried to sit down every day and color a mandala. The amazing thing is how time passes so quickly when I am in that creative space. Time stands still for the artist. I find it to be the coolest thing.  It is in these repeated moments where time is still that I am finding more blues and greens.  The longer I color, the better I feel, and the better I feel, the brighter life is.

Last night I was feeling really low and my mandala was half red & angry, and half blue & calm. Because that is how I feel on the inside.  Dark vs. light. Good vs. Evil. Stitched up in the middle with ugly black stitches, each side trying to sustain its territory. The internal juxtaposition is hard. Which one will win?

I suppose that there will always be a dark and light side in me, and that I have to learn to nurture the good/positive side in order for it to prevail over the other. Water it. Give it sunshine. Allow it to grow. Hopefully my newfound affinity for art therapy will aid in growing that lighter side. The side I want to become. The side that is so often clouded over by life and stress.

The pictures below demonstrate dark v. light, coincidentally in the color pallets I mentioned above.  Interesting how other artists interpret good v. evil with the same pallet I do. Maybe it is as some say, and there are no coincidences.

God, please help the light to shine. Amen.

The Retreat

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

Just because I haven't been blogging doesn't mean I haven't been working on Lent.  This past weekend our church had its first ever Women's Retreat. This is something I had been planning for for a long time.  Our keynote, Jill Joyner Bush, was at a retreat I attended last year, and I knew she and God would do some amazing things at our gathering.

My focus on the retreat was to learn to listen to what God wants me to do. To be patient and not try to push things. Let Him take care of me.  As someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), that is virtually an impossible task.  Recently I heard someone say that if you are anxious, then you are not a true believer in God, because true believers have no reason to be anxious.  I got so angry. How dare someone without a mental disease say that?  They do not know. Let me repeat, they do not know. However, as I stewed over that statement for weeks, I realized there is some truth in it.  I know that I am biologically and chemically incapable of being 100% anxiety free. However, I need to do a better job of blaming my sickness and trying to alleviate some of my stress by making a conscious effort to hand over the big things to God.

The first "big thing" on my list is my job.  Should I still be doing what I am doing? If not, where do I go?

So, two HUGE things happened for me this weekend.

1. We drew mandalas and on mine I had various words listed. One of these words was "clarity." After we finished our mandalas, we posted them on the walls of the retreat center to share with those around us. One of my friends, Kathy, asked me about mine, and I explained it to her, and she did hers and off we went to another activity. Hours later, we were cutting out things for our vision boards- things we want for ourselves in the coming year. Kathy, came up to me and had cut out a picture of a group of Scrabble letters that spelled out "clarity."  She remembered that word from my mandala in a list of many. Kathy is someone who I consider to be an angel on earth. She is the embodiment of joy and all that is good in humanity.  The fact that (a) she remembered my word and (b) God sent that word to me again through her was huge.

2.  We had to have an hour and a half of quiet time where we were not allowed to talk. I wanted to spend my quiet time running. However, our location made it so that the only thing I would have to look at during my run was the road and trees. No houses or scenery to speak of.  This meant that I definitely wanted to bring my iPod for a distraction.  "Should I do it? Should I not? Is that breaking a rule? Will it be a distraction from God." In the end I brought the iPod and trusted that God would send me the music I needed to hear. Boy was I led by the Holy Spirit in that decision. I found so much clarity during that run. The denouement being when the song below was played. I know God was in that moment on that lonely road. It is a moment that I cannot explain, but had me with my hands up in the air in praise and submission.  In the middle of the day. On an open road. In God's presence.  God, please show me what I'm looking for.

https://youtu.be/5IqCfxgKZd8

Amen.