Pausch speaks of a computer program he helped create called Alice. Alice is computer software that teaches kids how to program. This is one of Pausch's accomplishments he is proud to leave as his legacy. He said he knows it will allow some children to accomplish their dreams. Although he will not be able to see the Promised Land at the end, he is okay with that.
I am constantly amazed at how content Pausch seems to be with his death sentence. I know that he had some time to come to terms with it, but I find myself wondering if I could get to that state were I in his shoes. It is so hard to be a parent and not want to live long enough to see your kids grow up, graduate from high school, then college, see them get married and have your grandchildren. I want to know what Nixon will be like as a man. Will he have good character? Will he make the right choices when no one but God is watching? And then there is Laney. Will she be a good girl and save herself for someone she loves? Will she understand the added danger of being a woman and always look out for predators?
I must say that my heart is filled with sorrow as I read this chapter by Pausch. Here he is talking about leaving a projects whose full potential he will never see. He will not live long enough to see the kids who use it grow up and know how it effected them. Not only that, I have read this book before. I know that the ENTIRE thing is a "head fake" and he is really leaving this story for his children, not us. He wants them to know who he was, for his kids are too young to remember daddy.
When I started this project, I did it to help myself be happy in the moment and to learn to be grateful and less anxious in life. Would I be able to do that with a terminal illness? It is a lot to ask. It would be hard not to feel angry and cheated out of time and your family's future.
As I sit here and type, I just thought of a blog I read today. This hurt. It is related, and yet it isn't. This is the reverse, losing a child. A worse pain than having terminal illness and not being able to see your kids grow up, is to know that your kids will not have a chance to grow up.
SO, today all I did was get depressed with my Lentspiration reading. I think what I need to take with me today is the idea of building a legacy. What kind of legacy do I want to leave my family with? How do I want to be remembered? Last night I watched Oprah's interview with Bobbi Khristina Brown, the late Whitney Houston's daughter. The child had nothing but love for her mother: her words, her eyes, everything about her radiated this feeling. She said her mother groomed her and prepared her to go it alone...just in case. She could hear her mother's voice in her head, something she will always carry with her, and in that she finds strength. I pray that I can be that for my children- a place of strength.
-God, today I choose to take this lesson and work on my legacy. I pray that I am able to raise my children and preserve the values I want them to have. I pray that they learn to believe in you and do what is right by you. I ask that you help me to instill love, kindness, and grace in their hearts so that even if I shall pass while they are young, they grow up to be good souls. Kind souls. Worthy of Heaven souls. Amen.
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